Hey y'all,
So here I am again thinking. I guess what I'm about to talk about is something I've subconsciously been mulling over for awhile now, as in for the past few years, which has finally surfaced and manifested itself into something coherent. I've been asking myself the wrong questions!!! For so long I've been so focused on where am I supposed to be? What country should I live in? Who should I be with? When what I really should have been/should be asking is what do I love doing? What job/career makes me excited to get up in the morning? What do I find fulfilling? What do I want to be DOING for the rest of my life?
Which leads me to my latest epiphany: Do I really want to get my PhD in Ethnomusicology?
While the field of ethnomusicology is technically 'a growing field', the fact of the matter is, it's also a very niche and specific field in the Arts...which means not much opportunity for jobs...especially in this economy where institutions are cutting Arts programs left and right and making more and more professor jobs adjunct positions. Now, this isn't me giving up on a field I love, but rather taking a step back and exploring the idea of furthering my education in not only a field I love, but also a practical field. I'm referring to education and languages. While my passion for Irish music and culture is deep seated, I also have a passion for languages and teaching. Being an educator is something I can really sink my teeth into and get excited about. See, my academic pursuits were always with the end goal of teaching at university in mind, it was never solely about the research. Nor was research my primary focus, it was more of a necessary evil (albeit a nerdy-fun-agonizingbutworthit necessary evil). That being said, perhaps a PhD in education and/or languages is actually better suited for me. Currently I'm looking into MAT programs (master of arts in teaching). Why? Because teaching gets me excited to get up in the morning! Teaching, planning lessons, being creative and fun are all things I love to DO! Being an educator is fulfilling!
Thanks again, Scorpio, for making me think and encouraging me not to give up on what I really want :-)
Cheers,
Keely
Monday, August 4, 2014
Sunday, July 13, 2014
It's Academic
Hi there,
So in my spare time, I've been thinking a lot about my future and getting my PhD and such. I've decided that the best thing for me to do now is to figure out what it is exactly that I'd like to devote a number of years of research to. My life isn't solely focused on just "moving to Ireland" anymore, so my intent must be more focused on study at this point, even if that does in fact mean a return to Cork. Due to influence from Scorpio, I find myself being drawn to Hawaii and Hawaiian musical culture. I wonder if there's a way to draw connections between the musical traditions of Hawaii to the musical traditions of Ireland. Or perhaps make parallels between their efforts of transmission of their respective cultures.
Both are island nations. Obviously, Hawaii is tapped into the much larger community of, well, the enormous weight of the United States of America, but all in all, Hawaii is still very much its own place, quite separate and isolated from mainland America. Just as Ireland is connected strongly with Europe, it too is rather independent due to isolation. Both cultures have also been oppressed, mainly by outsiders who forced their own ways of life onto the respective native populations. There is a wealth of possibility here in somehow connecting these two places that are physically quite distant from each other. My question now is, which musical thread do I wish to use to tie these places together? How can I make this an Ethnomusicology project and not merely an Anthropological one? I already know I'd like to take the same themes from my MA research and apply them to my PhD work. Since I am a singer myself, maybe sticking with the sean-nos tradition on the Ireland side and looking into Hawaiian vocal tradition would be the way to go for me. Which leads me to my next question: where to go? In Cork, all I need to do is write a proposal and extensive working bibliography to show my intention of research and then go through the rest of the application process. There isn't really a threat of 'not getting in' to the program. University of Hawaii at Manoa, on the other hand, has an extremely thorough program that is rather exam heavy. And I would need to get into the program. Both programs would stretch me, but Manoa would be significantly more time consuming.
But do I really want to study Hawaiian music for my PhD? Isn't the point of getting a PhD to be an expert in something in your chosen field? And Ireland has always been my passion. Why not continue in that vein? I can always do a post-doc in Hawaii after the PhD is done. And I can always study anything I want in the future. I can research and write papers on any music that strikes my fancy. The main thing is getting the PhD, right?
Oh, curse you, conflicted mind!
~Keely
So in my spare time, I've been thinking a lot about my future and getting my PhD and such. I've decided that the best thing for me to do now is to figure out what it is exactly that I'd like to devote a number of years of research to. My life isn't solely focused on just "moving to Ireland" anymore, so my intent must be more focused on study at this point, even if that does in fact mean a return to Cork. Due to influence from Scorpio, I find myself being drawn to Hawaii and Hawaiian musical culture. I wonder if there's a way to draw connections between the musical traditions of Hawaii to the musical traditions of Ireland. Or perhaps make parallels between their efforts of transmission of their respective cultures.
Both are island nations. Obviously, Hawaii is tapped into the much larger community of, well, the enormous weight of the United States of America, but all in all, Hawaii is still very much its own place, quite separate and isolated from mainland America. Just as Ireland is connected strongly with Europe, it too is rather independent due to isolation. Both cultures have also been oppressed, mainly by outsiders who forced their own ways of life onto the respective native populations. There is a wealth of possibility here in somehow connecting these two places that are physically quite distant from each other. My question now is, which musical thread do I wish to use to tie these places together? How can I make this an Ethnomusicology project and not merely an Anthropological one? I already know I'd like to take the same themes from my MA research and apply them to my PhD work. Since I am a singer myself, maybe sticking with the sean-nos tradition on the Ireland side and looking into Hawaiian vocal tradition would be the way to go for me. Which leads me to my next question: where to go? In Cork, all I need to do is write a proposal and extensive working bibliography to show my intention of research and then go through the rest of the application process. There isn't really a threat of 'not getting in' to the program. University of Hawaii at Manoa, on the other hand, has an extremely thorough program that is rather exam heavy. And I would need to get into the program. Both programs would stretch me, but Manoa would be significantly more time consuming.
But do I really want to study Hawaiian music for my PhD? Isn't the point of getting a PhD to be an expert in something in your chosen field? And Ireland has always been my passion. Why not continue in that vein? I can always do a post-doc in Hawaii after the PhD is done. And I can always study anything I want in the future. I can research and write papers on any music that strikes my fancy. The main thing is getting the PhD, right?
Oh, curse you, conflicted mind!
~Keely
Monday, June 30, 2014
Running Away
Hi folks,
I just read an interesting blurb written by Elizabeth Gilbert about running away. The title of said piece was 'Running Away: Does it work?" Her answer? well, apart from two reasons why it may not, she actually said that in most cases, yes, it does in fact work. I am living proof of this and I'm glad someone else shares the same sentiment. Running away isn't necessarily running FROM something, but rather running TOWARD something else. I was never running from anything when I left the US, but running toward school, new adventures, work, friends I hadn't met, growth etc. Just like I wasn't running away from Ireland when I decided to return to the US.
Now, here's the catch. I'm getting that urge to run again. Yes, I've just started a new job. My first grown-up job, there's supposedly light at the end of the tunnel. But all I have right now are uncertainties. I see my paycheck, which for the first time is something substantial, evaporating into thin air before it's even deposited. My mother and I are constantly getting into arguments over money and debt and god knows what else. I still don't have a car and can't even begin to think about saving for one until after property taxes are paid. And the thing is, I don't mind helping out or paying rent, but I dunno, I feel stuck, trapped, both dangerous things for a Gemini to feel. Because we bolt. We run away. And that's exactly what I feel like doing. Maybe it's childish, but it seems that the less money you make, the less responsibility you have. No one expects anything of you because they know you can't do anything. Which on one hand allows you to live your life a bit footloose and fancy free. A lot of people live that way. And I'm not talking about the 30 year olds living in their parents basements playing video games all day. I'm talking about backpackers, ESOL teachers, travelers, explorers, and dreamers like me. I want to just hit the reset button and apply for a job in a far off land, teach English and just be...away. Because, despite all appearances, I wouldn't be running away. I'd be running toward. Toward healing, growth, new adventures, independence. INDEPENDENCE. Yes, in all caps.
Of course on the flip side, that's not everything I want either. Sure I could dig a year or two of that, maybe even three. But then I'd grow weary of being on the move, weary of being the foreigner, and weary of homesickness. I could never leave Scorpio that long anyway. I mean, who am I kidding. After one week of living together while my mother was away, I miss him at night and wake up with my arms sprawled out on his side of the bed as if I'm reaching for him. Yeah yeah, *dawwwwwwwwwwww* But that's the thing, I want to be able to realistically plan out my life. Save for a car, move out, keep moving forward with Scorpio. Ya know, like what normal people do. Not that 'normal' people don't stress out about money and god knows what else, but I'd at least like my stress to be my own and not mine and my mom's all wrapped up into one huge tornado of FML. I mean, I'd love to stress out about just my own life, my own bills, my own relationship, my own car. I'd love to just visit my mother and talk or go grab coffee and not talk about stressful things for once. I'd love for her life to just be easy, like it should be for someone her age. I curse my dad for never taking care of the house, for cheating on her, for not being an involved parent and husband apart from when he had an audience and would pretend like he was. And most of all I curse him for continuing to twist the knife and leave her with nothing after the divorce. But I digress.
Maybe running away doesn't have to be a physical escape. Maybe if I just "run away" from worrying about anyone else but myself for awhile will do the trick. I've been told by some much older friends that now is the time for me to be selfish. To just focus on me. Well, I'm gonna take them up on that. Maybe if I just pay my rent and pay my bills, and save what I can, I'll be less stressed, less worried, and more calm. CALM. Yes, ironically in all caps.
Cheers,
Keely
I just read an interesting blurb written by Elizabeth Gilbert about running away. The title of said piece was 'Running Away: Does it work?" Her answer? well, apart from two reasons why it may not, she actually said that in most cases, yes, it does in fact work. I am living proof of this and I'm glad someone else shares the same sentiment. Running away isn't necessarily running FROM something, but rather running TOWARD something else. I was never running from anything when I left the US, but running toward school, new adventures, work, friends I hadn't met, growth etc. Just like I wasn't running away from Ireland when I decided to return to the US.
Now, here's the catch. I'm getting that urge to run again. Yes, I've just started a new job. My first grown-up job, there's supposedly light at the end of the tunnel. But all I have right now are uncertainties. I see my paycheck, which for the first time is something substantial, evaporating into thin air before it's even deposited. My mother and I are constantly getting into arguments over money and debt and god knows what else. I still don't have a car and can't even begin to think about saving for one until after property taxes are paid. And the thing is, I don't mind helping out or paying rent, but I dunno, I feel stuck, trapped, both dangerous things for a Gemini to feel. Because we bolt. We run away. And that's exactly what I feel like doing. Maybe it's childish, but it seems that the less money you make, the less responsibility you have. No one expects anything of you because they know you can't do anything. Which on one hand allows you to live your life a bit footloose and fancy free. A lot of people live that way. And I'm not talking about the 30 year olds living in their parents basements playing video games all day. I'm talking about backpackers, ESOL teachers, travelers, explorers, and dreamers like me. I want to just hit the reset button and apply for a job in a far off land, teach English and just be...away. Because, despite all appearances, I wouldn't be running away. I'd be running toward. Toward healing, growth, new adventures, independence. INDEPENDENCE. Yes, in all caps.
Of course on the flip side, that's not everything I want either. Sure I could dig a year or two of that, maybe even three. But then I'd grow weary of being on the move, weary of being the foreigner, and weary of homesickness. I could never leave Scorpio that long anyway. I mean, who am I kidding. After one week of living together while my mother was away, I miss him at night and wake up with my arms sprawled out on his side of the bed as if I'm reaching for him. Yeah yeah, *dawwwwwwwwwwww* But that's the thing, I want to be able to realistically plan out my life. Save for a car, move out, keep moving forward with Scorpio. Ya know, like what normal people do. Not that 'normal' people don't stress out about money and god knows what else, but I'd at least like my stress to be my own and not mine and my mom's all wrapped up into one huge tornado of FML. I mean, I'd love to stress out about just my own life, my own bills, my own relationship, my own car. I'd love to just visit my mother and talk or go grab coffee and not talk about stressful things for once. I'd love for her life to just be easy, like it should be for someone her age. I curse my dad for never taking care of the house, for cheating on her, for not being an involved parent and husband apart from when he had an audience and would pretend like he was. And most of all I curse him for continuing to twist the knife and leave her with nothing after the divorce. But I digress.
Maybe running away doesn't have to be a physical escape. Maybe if I just "run away" from worrying about anyone else but myself for awhile will do the trick. I've been told by some much older friends that now is the time for me to be selfish. To just focus on me. Well, I'm gonna take them up on that. Maybe if I just pay my rent and pay my bills, and save what I can, I'll be less stressed, less worried, and more calm. CALM. Yes, ironically in all caps.
Cheers,
Keely
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
"Keep flying the plane, kid"
Hi folks,
I see it's been months since my last post. Not shocking since I tend to write with the best of intentions to keep a regular schedule, then proceed to write a couple blog entries days apart only to drop off the planet shortly thereafter. Well, this time I won't promise anything. Or even say maybe I'll be better this time. I'll just write when I have the urge and post accordingly. There, that's out of the way.
Life has thrown some curve balls lately. Balls, bombs, shrapnel...the kitchen sink...you name it. And I hate to report I've kind of "let the terrorists win". Losing oneself in negativity is never good and I very possibly have just saved myself from sinking further. Although as of late my life has been built on one step forward, two steps back, I still have a lot of good things going on. I still have Scorpio, I still have a house to live in, I still have my friends, my bestie is getting married to a great guy, and despite some significant and all too frequent arguments lately, my Mom and I are still joined at the hip. It's always amazing what a change in attitude and effective communication can do. No one (in my inner circle) is dying or has a serious health problem, no one is on the street. Somehow, talking to my dad of all people seemed to do the trick in giving me a strong dose of perspective and the leg up I've needed (perhaps I'll dedicate another post about why this is a rather surprising phenomenon). I don't know when or why I let go of my perspective on things, but the conversation I had with my dad really snapped some things into focus.
Imagine if I were born in 1942. Countries are being occupied and/or wiped out, an entire population of people is being exterminated daily, the world economy is in the toilet, and people back home Stateside are saving rubberbands and cans to help the war effort. Jobs? Pffft every able bodied male was sent to fight and every able bodied woman was sent to a factory or was receiving foodstamps from the government. It must have felt like the end of the world! How could it not with all that going on? But ya know what, people endured, people still managed to find ways to be happy, babies were still being born, children still played. I've been so stuck on the clouds that I started looking for them instead of the silver linings. I've been in a fog. But just as my love life over the past year and a half has been one shitstorm after another that has been cleared away and stabilized, so too will the job shitstorm. I believe it now. I believe it. I believe it. I believe it! "Keep flying the plane, kid", my dad said in reference to a tough piloting experience he had flying through thunderstorms. And so I will.
As for Scorpio, I can't thank him enough for sticking by me through my crazy. While there has certainly been venting and frustration from both of us, there has remained constant respect and love for everyone on all sides. Trying times test character and it's under pressure where you either crack or persevere. So far we endure and I couldn't be more grateful, proud, and honored to have him in my life. Now that things are calming down, I look forward to getting back to going on new adventures, creating memories, and building our relationship into something even more beautiful and sacred than it already is. I love and appreciate you so much, Scorpio!
Positivity, Love, and Light over fear, discouragement, and despair. Character over Personality. Enlightenment over Ego.
Be well,
Keely
I see it's been months since my last post. Not shocking since I tend to write with the best of intentions to keep a regular schedule, then proceed to write a couple blog entries days apart only to drop off the planet shortly thereafter. Well, this time I won't promise anything. Or even say maybe I'll be better this time. I'll just write when I have the urge and post accordingly. There, that's out of the way.
Life has thrown some curve balls lately. Balls, bombs, shrapnel...the kitchen sink...you name it. And I hate to report I've kind of "let the terrorists win". Losing oneself in negativity is never good and I very possibly have just saved myself from sinking further. Although as of late my life has been built on one step forward, two steps back, I still have a lot of good things going on. I still have Scorpio, I still have a house to live in, I still have my friends, my bestie is getting married to a great guy, and despite some significant and all too frequent arguments lately, my Mom and I are still joined at the hip. It's always amazing what a change in attitude and effective communication can do. No one (in my inner circle) is dying or has a serious health problem, no one is on the street. Somehow, talking to my dad of all people seemed to do the trick in giving me a strong dose of perspective and the leg up I've needed (perhaps I'll dedicate another post about why this is a rather surprising phenomenon). I don't know when or why I let go of my perspective on things, but the conversation I had with my dad really snapped some things into focus.
Imagine if I were born in 1942. Countries are being occupied and/or wiped out, an entire population of people is being exterminated daily, the world economy is in the toilet, and people back home Stateside are saving rubberbands and cans to help the war effort. Jobs? Pffft every able bodied male was sent to fight and every able bodied woman was sent to a factory or was receiving foodstamps from the government. It must have felt like the end of the world! How could it not with all that going on? But ya know what, people endured, people still managed to find ways to be happy, babies were still being born, children still played. I've been so stuck on the clouds that I started looking for them instead of the silver linings. I've been in a fog. But just as my love life over the past year and a half has been one shitstorm after another that has been cleared away and stabilized, so too will the job shitstorm. I believe it now. I believe it. I believe it. I believe it! "Keep flying the plane, kid", my dad said in reference to a tough piloting experience he had flying through thunderstorms. And so I will.
As for Scorpio, I can't thank him enough for sticking by me through my crazy. While there has certainly been venting and frustration from both of us, there has remained constant respect and love for everyone on all sides. Trying times test character and it's under pressure where you either crack or persevere. So far we endure and I couldn't be more grateful, proud, and honored to have him in my life. Now that things are calming down, I look forward to getting back to going on new adventures, creating memories, and building our relationship into something even more beautiful and sacred than it already is. I love and appreciate you so much, Scorpio!
Positivity, Love, and Light over fear, discouragement, and despair. Character over Personality. Enlightenment over Ego.
Be well,
Keely
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Gemini&Scorpio
Hey All,
No, I have not fallen off the face of the planet. I am, however, now officially in a relationship with Scorpio. Clearly that first date, and the ones that followed were a success! It only took us a week of dating to decide to become official and thus dubbed boyfriend and girlfriend. I honestly couldn't be happier! All my freaking out and worrying have subsided and I find myself at ease and just enjoying him and the relationship. It's an awesome place to be, and he's absolutely fantastic. It's nice to finally be in something that isn't stressful or painful or one-sided. Even only being a month into it, we're functional, grounded, and mature, especially where effective communication is concerned. Amazing. I find myself more and more sad at the prospect of leaving to do my PhD, though I refuse to give up on that dream. He refuses to let me give up on it as well, which is something I am grateful for. He truly is an amazing person and a beautiful soul. Supportive, sweet, and actually pretty badass, not to mention nerdy (which for me is a HUGE selling point). I'm a lucky girl :-)
Cheers,
Keely
No, I have not fallen off the face of the planet. I am, however, now officially in a relationship with Scorpio. Clearly that first date, and the ones that followed were a success! It only took us a week of dating to decide to become official and thus dubbed boyfriend and girlfriend. I honestly couldn't be happier! All my freaking out and worrying have subsided and I find myself at ease and just enjoying him and the relationship. It's an awesome place to be, and he's absolutely fantastic. It's nice to finally be in something that isn't stressful or painful or one-sided. Even only being a month into it, we're functional, grounded, and mature, especially where effective communication is concerned. Amazing. I find myself more and more sad at the prospect of leaving to do my PhD, though I refuse to give up on that dream. He refuses to let me give up on it as well, which is something I am grateful for. He truly is an amazing person and a beautiful soul. Supportive, sweet, and actually pretty badass, not to mention nerdy (which for me is a HUGE selling point). I'm a lucky girl :-)
Cheers,
Keely
Thursday, January 9, 2014
(OK)Cupid: 1, Keely: ????
Hey peeps!
Ok, this post is going to seem very contadictory to the previous one. Well, maybe not entirely contradictory, but definitely in some aspects. I swear I'm not fickle! (says the quintessential Gemini). It's just that life has thrown me a curveball and instead of shaking my fist at the Universe (who am I kidding, I still kind of am), I'm gonna just go with it.
A few days ago, after months of poking and prodding by my friends, I finally logged onto OKCupid and added pictures to my otherwise mostly blank profile. What could be the harm in 4 pics and maybe a couple views? Maybe a casual thing could happen with a non-creeper, right? No biggie. What am I even doing on OKCupid when I'm deadset on moving back to Cork? Well, trust me, I've asked myself the same question a thousand times. But something told me to just go for it that night. Maybe it was after the falling out with a friend of mine in Ireland that was the final straw that broke the camel's back, maybe it was just me saying "feck it, let's see what happens". Little did I know, the Universe had some ideas and plans of its own, and NOTHING could have prepared me for what happened.
I can't remember exactly what he said, but it was something along the lines of my major in grad school or my travels in Ireland and France. A far cry from this other creeper dude who was asking me if I "could take a lot" and that he "could probably handle me". Pffff handle me??? Yeah right. Good luck creeper dude who can't even form coherent sentences! Anyway, so I ended up in a legit conversation with the non-creeper. Let's call him Scorpio. So, as Scorpio and I were talking, I started to notice a couple things: 1) I was no longer paying attention to the hoard of dudes checking out my profile and leaving me messages, 2) I was actually intrigued and impressed with this guy, and 3) he was not only keeping up, but beating me (occasionally) in a battle of wits! (this NEVER happens, btw) #whoisthisguy???? Then before I knew it, HOURS had gone by and we were still mid-conversation (WHATTTT?????). We exchanged phone numbers and ended up talking for even more hours well into the wee hours of the morning (again, WHAT?????).
Here we are 5 days later and we're still up til 3 every night either texting, talking, or both (mostly both) and have covered more ground before we even went on our first date than some couples cover in a 5 year relationship! (WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!).
So where does this leave Ireland? Well, he more or less asked the same thing. Though his version was more along the lines of 'do I really want to get involved with a girl who's deadset on leaving in a year and a half?' Very valid. And normally, I probably would have been ok with that and let him back out and then switch to the idea of having made a new friend. Nope. I was legitimately bummed by that idea and trust me, no one was more surprised about that than me. So I fought for it. Yup. I did. Then proceeded to freak the hell out the next day. I was asking myself all kinds of questions. Was I really serious about the idea of postponing Ireland? I barely even know this guy and I'm already worried about missing an opportunity by losing him? Maybe I should take the safe option and just be friends...Oh god what am I doing???????!!!! What if we don't have the same chemistry in person? What if we aren't attracted to each other in person? GAHHHHHH!
But here's the crazy part, I honestly feel like I'd be a fool to pass him up. So, despite my tendency to run like hell (after fighting tooth and nail of course), I'm going to go WAAAAAAAY out of my comfort zone and see where this goes....at least see what happens on the first date.
See, the PhD in Ireland is something I definitely want to do (and will do) at some point. But Ireland isn't going anywhere. I always have that. It's something I more or less have control over. Scorpio? Not so much.
That being said, I'm scared shitless. I'm the one who doesn't let relationships "get in the way", I'm the one who galivants around the planet, I don't get tied down, trapped, or held onto. But what if deep down I do (and always have) want to be held onto? What if I just wasn't in the right relationships and not all of them entail being driven by the ego, being taken for granted, and blowing up in flames? I'm not accustomed to guys like Scorpio. The adventurous, the sweet, the sincere, the sardonic, the type who can disarm me, and the type who genuinely want to be with me and make me happy (like seriously, what?!). My god what if this actually works out???!!! I find myself in a perdicament. I'm not sure if I'm more afraid of it not working, or of it working. Note to self: when silently telling the Universe in passing, 'I need to do something that makes me uncomfortable', be ready for something to actually happen!
It seems I am cheating on Ireland and France lol. Oops.
Roll on Saturday!
Cheers,
Keely
Ok, this post is going to seem very contadictory to the previous one. Well, maybe not entirely contradictory, but definitely in some aspects. I swear I'm not fickle! (says the quintessential Gemini). It's just that life has thrown me a curveball and instead of shaking my fist at the Universe (who am I kidding, I still kind of am), I'm gonna just go with it.
A few days ago, after months of poking and prodding by my friends, I finally logged onto OKCupid and added pictures to my otherwise mostly blank profile. What could be the harm in 4 pics and maybe a couple views? Maybe a casual thing could happen with a non-creeper, right? No biggie. What am I even doing on OKCupid when I'm deadset on moving back to Cork? Well, trust me, I've asked myself the same question a thousand times. But something told me to just go for it that night. Maybe it was after the falling out with a friend of mine in Ireland that was the final straw that broke the camel's back, maybe it was just me saying "feck it, let's see what happens". Little did I know, the Universe had some ideas and plans of its own, and NOTHING could have prepared me for what happened.
I can't remember exactly what he said, but it was something along the lines of my major in grad school or my travels in Ireland and France. A far cry from this other creeper dude who was asking me if I "could take a lot" and that he "could probably handle me". Pffff handle me??? Yeah right. Good luck creeper dude who can't even form coherent sentences! Anyway, so I ended up in a legit conversation with the non-creeper. Let's call him Scorpio. So, as Scorpio and I were talking, I started to notice a couple things: 1) I was no longer paying attention to the hoard of dudes checking out my profile and leaving me messages, 2) I was actually intrigued and impressed with this guy, and 3) he was not only keeping up, but beating me (occasionally) in a battle of wits! (this NEVER happens, btw) #whoisthisguy???? Then before I knew it, HOURS had gone by and we were still mid-conversation (WHATTTT?????). We exchanged phone numbers and ended up talking for even more hours well into the wee hours of the morning (again, WHAT?????).
Here we are 5 days later and we're still up til 3 every night either texting, talking, or both (mostly both) and have covered more ground before we even went on our first date than some couples cover in a 5 year relationship! (WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!).
So where does this leave Ireland? Well, he more or less asked the same thing. Though his version was more along the lines of 'do I really want to get involved with a girl who's deadset on leaving in a year and a half?' Very valid. And normally, I probably would have been ok with that and let him back out and then switch to the idea of having made a new friend. Nope. I was legitimately bummed by that idea and trust me, no one was more surprised about that than me. So I fought for it. Yup. I did. Then proceeded to freak the hell out the next day. I was asking myself all kinds of questions. Was I really serious about the idea of postponing Ireland? I barely even know this guy and I'm already worried about missing an opportunity by losing him? Maybe I should take the safe option and just be friends...Oh god what am I doing???????!!!! What if we don't have the same chemistry in person? What if we aren't attracted to each other in person? GAHHHHHH!
But here's the crazy part, I honestly feel like I'd be a fool to pass him up. So, despite my tendency to run like hell (after fighting tooth and nail of course), I'm going to go WAAAAAAAY out of my comfort zone and see where this goes....at least see what happens on the first date.
See, the PhD in Ireland is something I definitely want to do (and will do) at some point. But Ireland isn't going anywhere. I always have that. It's something I more or less have control over. Scorpio? Not so much.
That being said, I'm scared shitless. I'm the one who doesn't let relationships "get in the way", I'm the one who galivants around the planet, I don't get tied down, trapped, or held onto. But what if deep down I do (and always have) want to be held onto? What if I just wasn't in the right relationships and not all of them entail being driven by the ego, being taken for granted, and blowing up in flames? I'm not accustomed to guys like Scorpio. The adventurous, the sweet, the sincere, the sardonic, the type who can disarm me, and the type who genuinely want to be with me and make me happy (like seriously, what?!). My god what if this actually works out???!!! I find myself in a perdicament. I'm not sure if I'm more afraid of it not working, or of it working. Note to self: when silently telling the Universe in passing, 'I need to do something that makes me uncomfortable', be ready for something to actually happen!
It seems I am cheating on Ireland and France lol. Oops.
Roll on Saturday!
Cheers,
Keely
Monday, December 23, 2013
Reflections
I've been listening to Vienna Teng's song 'Level Up' on repeat for the past almost 24hrs (link to the song is below). Frankly speaking, the lyrics are exactly what I've been thinking, feeling, and needing to hear. It's a fantastic feeling being validated by the Universe.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4n_8R5lKnw
So many thoughts, images, emotions flowing through me these past few days. I'm getting that feeling again that I'm on the verge of something. Maybe it's just been the conversations I've been having lately, maybe I've grown again, maybe it's just that 2013 is ending and I'm filled with excited anticipation for 2014. But I take a small step back, remembering that the New Year will only bring me what I put into it. Am I ready to begin research for my PhD proposal? Am I ready to fully throw myself into the job hunting market and get that 'grown-up' job for the next 18 months? Am I ready to ease into the discomfort of feeling stuck for the next year and a half? Am I ready to make the choice to be happy everyday until my iminent departure? I'm not sure. I don't like to lump myself in with the group of people on this planet who don't venture out of their comfort zone, but sometimes I think I do find myself among them. It's just that my comfort zone doesn't remotely resemble theirs. I have no qualms about packing up and leaving my country and living in someone else's for an extended period of time, functioning on a daily basis in my second language, talking to strangers, singing in public, speaking my mind. And truthfully, if money were no object, I'd be gone in a heartbeat to go on my next adventure to god knows where, for god knows how long, without much of a backward glance. Not that I wouldn't miss my friends and family here, but frankly, not even romantic relationships have kept me home.
No, my comfort zone has nothing to do with a white picket fence, a husband, the average 2.3 children, and a stable job. I loathe feeling stuck, trapped, and painted into the corner of "should be". My heart longs for the world, the Universe, meeting new people and making connections. Sometimes, even the planet doesn't seem big enough. I grow impatient. To the point where I find myself brooding and depressed because I can't be somewhere else, with new people, or doing anything remotely adventurous or mind-blowing. But alas, here I am, stuck. It's times like these when I must remember to be grateful for what I DO have. I must realize that there is just as much adventure in the mundane. It just takes stepping back and taking a harder look at what's in front of me. Maybe trying a new food in the grocery store, actually calling a friend and hearing their voice instead of sending a text, hell even going into chat rooms on the internet (with caution of course) and meeting people quite literally on the other side of the world. Because the truth is, happiness and adventure don't only live "out there", they also live within. And in order to appreciate fully those adventures that ARE "out there", I must be able to appreciate the adventures right outside my door. This is something I knew better as a younger person. It's a lesson I seem to need to relearn always because it's something so easily forgotten for the impatient brooder I am. *Sigh* the angst of a dreamer.
But what are dreams without actions behind them? Just that, dreams. I intend to fulfill mine. So what am I actually doing in order to get to where I want to go? When I have down time, am I just sitting on social media or am I taking the time to meditate and visualize having everything I desire? Am I writing? Am I singing? Am I researching? Am I LIVING? If the answer to any of those questions is 'no', then I'm not doing my job as a human with real goals. Time to get off the treadmill and start running outside.
And look at that, I've written another blog post less than 24hrs after the last one. I'm already making progress. ASK, BELIEVE, RECEIVE (The Secret).
Carpe Diem,
Keely
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4n_8R5lKnw
So many thoughts, images, emotions flowing through me these past few days. I'm getting that feeling again that I'm on the verge of something. Maybe it's just been the conversations I've been having lately, maybe I've grown again, maybe it's just that 2013 is ending and I'm filled with excited anticipation for 2014. But I take a small step back, remembering that the New Year will only bring me what I put into it. Am I ready to begin research for my PhD proposal? Am I ready to fully throw myself into the job hunting market and get that 'grown-up' job for the next 18 months? Am I ready to ease into the discomfort of feeling stuck for the next year and a half? Am I ready to make the choice to be happy everyday until my iminent departure? I'm not sure. I don't like to lump myself in with the group of people on this planet who don't venture out of their comfort zone, but sometimes I think I do find myself among them. It's just that my comfort zone doesn't remotely resemble theirs. I have no qualms about packing up and leaving my country and living in someone else's for an extended period of time, functioning on a daily basis in my second language, talking to strangers, singing in public, speaking my mind. And truthfully, if money were no object, I'd be gone in a heartbeat to go on my next adventure to god knows where, for god knows how long, without much of a backward glance. Not that I wouldn't miss my friends and family here, but frankly, not even romantic relationships have kept me home.
No, my comfort zone has nothing to do with a white picket fence, a husband, the average 2.3 children, and a stable job. I loathe feeling stuck, trapped, and painted into the corner of "should be". My heart longs for the world, the Universe, meeting new people and making connections. Sometimes, even the planet doesn't seem big enough. I grow impatient. To the point where I find myself brooding and depressed because I can't be somewhere else, with new people, or doing anything remotely adventurous or mind-blowing. But alas, here I am, stuck. It's times like these when I must remember to be grateful for what I DO have. I must realize that there is just as much adventure in the mundane. It just takes stepping back and taking a harder look at what's in front of me. Maybe trying a new food in the grocery store, actually calling a friend and hearing their voice instead of sending a text, hell even going into chat rooms on the internet (with caution of course) and meeting people quite literally on the other side of the world. Because the truth is, happiness and adventure don't only live "out there", they also live within. And in order to appreciate fully those adventures that ARE "out there", I must be able to appreciate the adventures right outside my door. This is something I knew better as a younger person. It's a lesson I seem to need to relearn always because it's something so easily forgotten for the impatient brooder I am. *Sigh* the angst of a dreamer.
But what are dreams without actions behind them? Just that, dreams. I intend to fulfill mine. So what am I actually doing in order to get to where I want to go? When I have down time, am I just sitting on social media or am I taking the time to meditate and visualize having everything I desire? Am I writing? Am I singing? Am I researching? Am I LIVING? If the answer to any of those questions is 'no', then I'm not doing my job as a human with real goals. Time to get off the treadmill and start running outside.
And look at that, I've written another blog post less than 24hrs after the last one. I'm already making progress. ASK, BELIEVE, RECEIVE (The Secret).
Carpe Diem,
Keely
Sunday, December 22, 2013
2013 in a Nutshell
Wow! I've just been reading through my last blog entry and realized that it's been over a year since that post. My life has changed dramatically since then in some areas and not much at all in others. Let me catch you up on 2013.
Naturally, I won't go into minute details, there's just too much that has happened and an unquantifiable amount of emotions have transpired to write it all down here. I'll break it all down into categories.
Location:
I'm still in the US. If I had to sum up my feelings on my location this past year into one word, it'd be 'miserable'. Now, I'm not anti-American, though I may be a disgruntled, dissatisfied citizen. Despite my rants about the government and certain famous individuals I'm liable to have, deep down I really do love my country. In fact, it's because of my love for my country that I do take the time and energy to rant about things that I think the US could be doing better.
That being said, the 'American Dream' is not for me. Despite having an image in my head of the picket fence and a stable living situation etc, I don't see myself living out my days in the good ol' U.S. of A. The American lifestyle is not my lifestyle and it's not where I want to raise my future hypothetical children. I've always known deep down that I was meant to be an expat and now, as a Twenty-something, I'm really beginning to understand what that actually means in a real sense. It means uprooting and staying gone. Not that I won't come home to visit, but I just won't be moving home. Quite a big difference that. Fortunately I seem to be meeting people who either have been expats for years or are embarking on a similar adventure, so I have people to relate to as I journey on.
That journey being moving back to Ireland in 2015 and getting my PhD. I intend (as always) to write about my experiences there when the time comes. Stay tuned.
I did move to a different city for a month and got certified to teach English as a second language, so I am now employable worldwide. Woohoo! Lot's of doors open now.
Relationships:
Everyone's favorite subject when you're in your twenties. M is out of the picture. I cut that off around the time of my birthday and haven't looked back. Hindsight is always 20/20 and when I look back at the mess that last year was in terms of that situation, I am astounded that I let myself get caught up in it. So toxic, stressful, and painful. So not worth my time and emotions. Lesson learned. Never again.
I have subsequently had a tumultuous relationship with a best friend (guy friend) that has required and still does require vigilance on both our parts to not keep making the same mistakes. I won't go into detail as to why it's a mistake for us to be together, let your imagination run wild on that one. Either way, it's not a good idea.
I have had an online fling of sorts with someone I met during my CELTA program (the ESOL thing). I was really hoping that could have turned into something. Something casual, but still something more than what it was. Oh well. Not the first time I've been disappointed.
And I have gone back into an old chat room website that I haven't been on since my Undergraduate days. A craving for the French language prompted that move. I've met some interesting people, but am not going to make a habit out of it. Lot's of creepers on there who try to seduce a young twenty-something like myself into stripping down over webcam. And by seduce I mean outright just ask 'cam?' Non merci!
In terms of relationships, these days I'm finding I have absolute zero tolerance for bullshit and I'm getting better at smelling it first before stepping in it. I also know myself better and what my deal breakers are. It's a good feeling to be firmly grounded in myself. Even though I'm still in the process (as I always will be, one never totally arrives) of my life journey, I'm really in a place of trusting my intuition and staying true to myself no matter what. Character over personality. That's my new mantra.
I'm also learning that relationships don't have to be all or nothing. It is actually possible to date someone and it not turn into anything serious or end in a horrible break up. It's ok to be fluid and transient.
Job:
Still working retail. Not sure if that was mentioned in previous posts, but I work in a women's clothing store. It's not bad, but the pay sucks and I really need to find a 'grown-up' job soon so I can actually save money for my upcoming move back to Ireland. Sadly, there aren't a lot of TESOL jobs in my area and a move overseas before moving back to Ireland just isn't feasible. So the job search continues...
Happy Holidays to all and here's to a Peaceful, and Happier 2014!
Cheers,
Keely
Naturally, I won't go into minute details, there's just too much that has happened and an unquantifiable amount of emotions have transpired to write it all down here. I'll break it all down into categories.
Location:
I'm still in the US. If I had to sum up my feelings on my location this past year into one word, it'd be 'miserable'. Now, I'm not anti-American, though I may be a disgruntled, dissatisfied citizen. Despite my rants about the government and certain famous individuals I'm liable to have, deep down I really do love my country. In fact, it's because of my love for my country that I do take the time and energy to rant about things that I think the US could be doing better.
That being said, the 'American Dream' is not for me. Despite having an image in my head of the picket fence and a stable living situation etc, I don't see myself living out my days in the good ol' U.S. of A. The American lifestyle is not my lifestyle and it's not where I want to raise my future hypothetical children. I've always known deep down that I was meant to be an expat and now, as a Twenty-something, I'm really beginning to understand what that actually means in a real sense. It means uprooting and staying gone. Not that I won't come home to visit, but I just won't be moving home. Quite a big difference that. Fortunately I seem to be meeting people who either have been expats for years or are embarking on a similar adventure, so I have people to relate to as I journey on.
That journey being moving back to Ireland in 2015 and getting my PhD. I intend (as always) to write about my experiences there when the time comes. Stay tuned.
I did move to a different city for a month and got certified to teach English as a second language, so I am now employable worldwide. Woohoo! Lot's of doors open now.
Relationships:
Everyone's favorite subject when you're in your twenties. M is out of the picture. I cut that off around the time of my birthday and haven't looked back. Hindsight is always 20/20 and when I look back at the mess that last year was in terms of that situation, I am astounded that I let myself get caught up in it. So toxic, stressful, and painful. So not worth my time and emotions. Lesson learned. Never again.
I have subsequently had a tumultuous relationship with a best friend (guy friend) that has required and still does require vigilance on both our parts to not keep making the same mistakes. I won't go into detail as to why it's a mistake for us to be together, let your imagination run wild on that one. Either way, it's not a good idea.
I have had an online fling of sorts with someone I met during my CELTA program (the ESOL thing). I was really hoping that could have turned into something. Something casual, but still something more than what it was. Oh well. Not the first time I've been disappointed.
And I have gone back into an old chat room website that I haven't been on since my Undergraduate days. A craving for the French language prompted that move. I've met some interesting people, but am not going to make a habit out of it. Lot's of creepers on there who try to seduce a young twenty-something like myself into stripping down over webcam. And by seduce I mean outright just ask 'cam?' Non merci!
In terms of relationships, these days I'm finding I have absolute zero tolerance for bullshit and I'm getting better at smelling it first before stepping in it. I also know myself better and what my deal breakers are. It's a good feeling to be firmly grounded in myself. Even though I'm still in the process (as I always will be, one never totally arrives) of my life journey, I'm really in a place of trusting my intuition and staying true to myself no matter what. Character over personality. That's my new mantra.
I'm also learning that relationships don't have to be all or nothing. It is actually possible to date someone and it not turn into anything serious or end in a horrible break up. It's ok to be fluid and transient.
Job:
Still working retail. Not sure if that was mentioned in previous posts, but I work in a women's clothing store. It's not bad, but the pay sucks and I really need to find a 'grown-up' job soon so I can actually save money for my upcoming move back to Ireland. Sadly, there aren't a lot of TESOL jobs in my area and a move overseas before moving back to Ireland just isn't feasible. So the job search continues...
Happy Holidays to all and here's to a Peaceful, and Happier 2014!
Cheers,
Keely
Sunday, November 25, 2012
So many questions
Hello Folks,
I find myself in a rather melancholy mood again as I sit and write this. I know it's been ages since my last entry, and this blog has become more of an emotional dumping ground than a story of a girl living abroad in two different countries and then moving home, but I suppose emotions are as much apart of the above as oxygen is a part of breathing. Perhaps I could chalk this all up to re-adjusting to life back at home, but I'm not entirely convinced that that's all that's going on here. I think I'm at a point where I'm being forced to face things I was able to escape from by moving away. So essentially, I'm faced with the inevitable: figuring things out that I've been able to put off figuring out.
This is not a comfortable situation. I'm in all sorts of limbo and, as mentioined in my previous entry, patience and I are not friends. But is patience on my part really all that is required in my situation with M? I feel like I get a mixed message from him. On one hand, he says "ducks in a row, then Duckpants". But then he tells me he's not "considering this option at this time". Does that mean that "we"/"us" is not even a goal but simply an idea that has vaguely crossed his mind? How is it possible to say 'I love you' and even have an argument about whether or not I would take his name if/when we get married and then suddenly it's "I'm not considering this option at this time". And what about the flirting and the bit of M not being comfortable with me having one of my best guy friends come stay with me over Thanksgiving weekend? Have we devolved into some sort of twisted, sexually frustrated mess that we're not thinking or seeing clearly? Do WE not want to be with anyone but each other or is it just ME who doesn't want to be with anyone else? Are we letting the situation between M and my mother dictate how we function as a couple? Are we couple? How can we not be a couple when we bother discussing things pertaining to "us"? We're not 'just friends'. Is it right to not be back together right now even though we're back together in every sense but officially? Am I being played? Am I fooling myself? Is he fooling himself? Are WE fooling ourselves? Why is building castles in the sky together something bad to get caught up in if it will strengthen our bond? Is our limbo self-inflicted? He says he can't give me anything right now. Does he not realize that all I need from him is his love? It's not me who needs to stop having dreams about the future. Isn't it he who needs to give himself permission to dream, to love, and yes, to get caught up in something wonderful? I know what the reality is now, but is it really necessary to be smacked down with it? Would it not strengthen our bond to dream up a future together and create a goal to work toward?
I miss him. I miss him missing me. But most of all, I miss not having to miss each other.
~Keely
I find myself in a rather melancholy mood again as I sit and write this. I know it's been ages since my last entry, and this blog has become more of an emotional dumping ground than a story of a girl living abroad in two different countries and then moving home, but I suppose emotions are as much apart of the above as oxygen is a part of breathing. Perhaps I could chalk this all up to re-adjusting to life back at home, but I'm not entirely convinced that that's all that's going on here. I think I'm at a point where I'm being forced to face things I was able to escape from by moving away. So essentially, I'm faced with the inevitable: figuring things out that I've been able to put off figuring out.
This is not a comfortable situation. I'm in all sorts of limbo and, as mentioined in my previous entry, patience and I are not friends. But is patience on my part really all that is required in my situation with M? I feel like I get a mixed message from him. On one hand, he says "ducks in a row, then Duckpants". But then he tells me he's not "considering this option at this time". Does that mean that "we"/"us" is not even a goal but simply an idea that has vaguely crossed his mind? How is it possible to say 'I love you' and even have an argument about whether or not I would take his name if/when we get married and then suddenly it's "I'm not considering this option at this time". And what about the flirting and the bit of M not being comfortable with me having one of my best guy friends come stay with me over Thanksgiving weekend? Have we devolved into some sort of twisted, sexually frustrated mess that we're not thinking or seeing clearly? Do WE not want to be with anyone but each other or is it just ME who doesn't want to be with anyone else? Are we letting the situation between M and my mother dictate how we function as a couple? Are we couple? How can we not be a couple when we bother discussing things pertaining to "us"? We're not 'just friends'. Is it right to not be back together right now even though we're back together in every sense but officially? Am I being played? Am I fooling myself? Is he fooling himself? Are WE fooling ourselves? Why is building castles in the sky together something bad to get caught up in if it will strengthen our bond? Is our limbo self-inflicted? He says he can't give me anything right now. Does he not realize that all I need from him is his love? It's not me who needs to stop having dreams about the future. Isn't it he who needs to give himself permission to dream, to love, and yes, to get caught up in something wonderful? I know what the reality is now, but is it really necessary to be smacked down with it? Would it not strengthen our bond to dream up a future together and create a goal to work toward?
I miss him. I miss him missing me. But most of all, I miss not having to miss each other.
~Keely
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Not so happily ever after
Hello Folks,
I've been back in the US for a bit over two months now, am unemployed, and things with M aren't exactly honky dory. I'm optimistic that work will start in the next couple weeks. I'm in the process of becoming a substitute teacher.
I somehow managed to fall for the fantasy thing again. I keep hitting that wall and getting hurt. There is no such thing as happily ever after. At least not in terms of relationships. There is still the issue with M and my mother. It's looking like the impasse will remain until the end of time. Which means I have a lot to think about. I'm disillusioned with relationships. These days I rather enjoy my own company and freedom that the single life affords me. I even consider having a child on my own and raising it sans husband or life partner. That's not really what I want, but I would do it and still have a fulfilling life.
Things take longer in real life than they do in my head. Patience and I are not friends. Especially when I always have the option of backing out. But what would happen if I backed out? Wouldn't I just be pulled back, just like a yoyo? Most likely. Will I always be stuck between a rock and a hard place? Will I ever really have a soft place to fall outside of my friends and family? I guess I just have to wait.
~Keely
I've been back in the US for a bit over two months now, am unemployed, and things with M aren't exactly honky dory. I'm optimistic that work will start in the next couple weeks. I'm in the process of becoming a substitute teacher.
I somehow managed to fall for the fantasy thing again. I keep hitting that wall and getting hurt. There is no such thing as happily ever after. At least not in terms of relationships. There is still the issue with M and my mother. It's looking like the impasse will remain until the end of time. Which means I have a lot to think about. I'm disillusioned with relationships. These days I rather enjoy my own company and freedom that the single life affords me. I even consider having a child on my own and raising it sans husband or life partner. That's not really what I want, but I would do it and still have a fulfilling life.
Things take longer in real life than they do in my head. Patience and I are not friends. Especially when I always have the option of backing out. But what would happen if I backed out? Wouldn't I just be pulled back, just like a yoyo? Most likely. Will I always be stuck between a rock and a hard place? Will I ever really have a soft place to fall outside of my friends and family? I guess I just have to wait.
~Keely
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Going Home
Well folks, this is it. I'm going home today. Home for the foreseeable future after living abroad for the past two years. I can't believe this journey is coming to a close. I'll have the adventure of writing my MA thesis once I'm settled and over jetlag. But this has been an amazing time in my life. I've made lifelong friends, become fluent in my second language, taught, conquered an MA program, fulfilled my dream of living in Ireland, and most importantly, I've grown up in more ways than even I can fathom. Leaving Ireland is the most difficult departure I've had to date. Wow. At the same time, I am totally at peace with coming home. I made the right decision. And I'm so glad to be setting foot on American soil once again and reconnecting with my roots.
Another adventure I'll be starting soon is reconnecting with M in person. At the moment I'm in my numb travel mode, but once I'm home and it hits me that I'll be seeing him in 2 days...Agh!!! I dunno about that one. On one hand it's "going that route", on the other it's "there are no guarantees". Libras. He wasn't online last night. I hate not talking to him just before I get on a flight. Especially over the ocean. And I'm miffed because he said he would be there. Online I mean. Ah well. I'll beat him in a poke war the next time I see him ;-). The next while is going to be difficult for "us". We both still need to be looking out for numero uno and can't really put "us" first yet. It's going to be tough finding a balance. I'm trying not to have any expectations. So for now I'll just say that I'm looking forward to seeing him and being in his energy, and hopefully his arms, again.
America, here I come!
Cheers,
Keely
Another adventure I'll be starting soon is reconnecting with M in person. At the moment I'm in my numb travel mode, but once I'm home and it hits me that I'll be seeing him in 2 days...Agh!!! I dunno about that one. On one hand it's "going that route", on the other it's "there are no guarantees". Libras. He wasn't online last night. I hate not talking to him just before I get on a flight. Especially over the ocean. And I'm miffed because he said he would be there. Online I mean. Ah well. I'll beat him in a poke war the next time I see him ;-). The next while is going to be difficult for "us". We both still need to be looking out for numero uno and can't really put "us" first yet. It's going to be tough finding a balance. I'm trying not to have any expectations. So for now I'll just say that I'm looking forward to seeing him and being in his energy, and hopefully his arms, again.
America, here I come!
Cheers,
Keely
Thursday, August 2, 2012
My Happy Place
Greetings from Dingle, An Daingean, in Irish. I'm in my Happy Place. The place where I've wanted to live since I was a child. As the bus from Killarney made its way up the rolling hills and steep mountains of the Dingle Peninsula (Corca Dhuibhne), I felt that familiar sense of 'home'. I again had an overwhelming feeling of belonging and not wanting to leave. Sure, I spent nearly a year in Cork, but not here, in the place I've really wanted to be. Leaving almost feels premature. I've barely begun to discover this land. I again found my mind conjuring up images of me running off with Mystery Irishman, who I'd meet in a place I wasn't looking for him, somewhere I'd least expect it. A bus driver, boatman, a shopkeeper...I'd just be walking along or whatever, then all of a sudden, there he'd be, as if he's been waiting an eternity for me to show up...
But then, amongst the images of an Irishman and a life in the Gaeltacht with a couple kids, dogs, and horses (and some sheep!) running around, a very different image enters my mind. Almost as if Cupid shot a missile instead of an arrow, M permeated my daydream with a force that almost made my breath catch. As I gazed out over this rugged, yet verdant landscape, I was envisioning M here with me. I could hear him in my head complaining about the incomprehensible Irish language, with its overuse of silent and altered consonants, the absurdity of such a place (or any place for that matter) being called 'Dingle', and the fact that we were way out in the boonies. I rolled my eyes and shook my head, just as I would were he actually here. What was he doing in my head?! He's never been on my mind in Dingle before. When I was here back in March, I was questioning going home and "us". If anything, all thoughts of M and home had flown out the window. I was poised and ready to run off with the next pretty-faced Kerry farmer who came along and showed an interest. Perhaps there will always be a bit of that feeling inside me. It's times like these when I can't shake the idea of Reincarnation. As a witch, I believe in it. But I also believe that sometimes the Universe moves us in different and unexpected directions. Could these strong feelings for a place, and longing for a person who doesn't exist simply be past-life memories and not a sort of prophecy for who I'll be with in this life-time? This seems the most likely scenario. Or is it that I met M and fell for him first? Or is M that person I met while not looking for anyone, going about my business, and then there he was, in a place I least expected it, as if he's been waiting an eternity for me to show up...
M stayed with me throughout the day. I could so see us on the boat together waiting for Fungie, the dolphin, to make his appearance. "We're on a boat!", M would be saying in a loud whisper in my ear. Then there'd be references to other euphemisms. I'd be in a near constant state of rolling my eyes, while simultaneously scanning the water for any sign of dolphin movement. At Fungie's appearance, there would be a competition to see who got the better picture, and a race between my point-and-shoot camera and M's iPhone would ensue. SNAP OUT OF IT, KEELY! My brain cries, trying to bring me back to reality. But I can't help it as more and more images of M and me spending time here surface. I wander the town after the boat ride and peek into a jewelry shop. I'm now in search of a ring to replace the one he lost. A very different type of ring flashes through my mind for a split second. Funny, later that night, I was talking to M and "going that route" came into the conversation. We're still a ways off from that. But I can't shake the feeling that we're being nudged by the Universe...Feck sake!
To make matters even more interesting, back in September of 2010, my mother and I visited Drombeg stone circle. At one point I was along in the center of the standing stones and I, in true Wiccan fashion, invoked the Goddess and asked her to reveal to me 'the one' I'm meant to be with when I return to the stone circle. In July 2012 I went back there with friends of mine. Being there, I was expecting to be confronted with not wanting to leave Ireland and to be back in a tizzy about what to do with M. Instead, what I found there was an overwhelming sense of peace about returning home. Sending a silent question about M out to the Universe, I almost detected a wink in my general direction...
It's pouring down rain today, and foggy. I've yet to venture outside in this mess. Perhaps I will later once it calms down outside. I'm enjoying my happy place nonetheless, even if it seems I have a constant visitor in my head whilst I'm here.
Tog go bog e,
Keely
Saturday, July 21, 2012
3 Weeks
3 weeks to the day until I'm home. 3 weeks. 3 weeks and a day til I see M. 3 weeks and a day until I can hug M, kiss M, and be in his energy again, in person, after a year and a half. I'm nervous. Really really excited, but nervous. What if he changes his mind? What if I change my mind? What if we both change our minds? Or what if neither of us changes our minds and we go for it?! We're either really bad at staying together or really bad at being broken up. And soon we'll know which it is. I just hope timing isn't off again. Neither of us are established at the moment, but maybe that's a good thing? We're in a similar place anyway...and most importantly, we'll be in the same fecking country with no threat of me jetting off in the near future. Funny, this blog was meant to be about my adventures living abroad in two different countries, but instead it's become about my journey with a certain person and personal growth. A coming of age story without all the little details showing how I got from point A to point B. Maybe one day I'll fill you all in on the nitty gritty. In the meantime, I'll be working on the thesis and tying up all the loose ends in preparation to travel home.
Cheers,
Keely
Cheers,
Keely
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
How to write an MA thesis...among other things
Hello Interwebs!
Now, first off, I must say that today I entered the library rather unprepared. I went in armed with pens, a pad of paper, and a rough idea of what I wanted to study...the Muscrai Gaeltacht. And I also had in mind a book to look at. That's where my preparedness ends, however. I had no direction whatsoever! I found myself getting lost in all the articles my eyes swam over in the Companion to Irish Traditional Music. It took me forever to find the entries pertaining to my subject anyway. And what did I want to know? Everything, duh! The only problem is that I didn't have a book in front of me telling me the history of my area or anything. And what was there were mere snippets of information. I'm meant to be writing 3000 to 4000 words by the end of this month, I'll be needing more than snippet I'd say. Next time I'll have more specific resources, my laptop, and will visit the copy room. Phew! So much to do!
As I was combing through the Companion, my mind wandered to my life after the MA. I'm considering a career in teaching...but as I look into the certification process, I'm feeling overwhelmed. So...what on Earth am I going to do? What am I good at? Writing, singing, ugh. Somebody just give me a job I don't hate that gives benefits and a decent salary!!!
Stress much?
~Keely
Monday, May 14, 2012
And thus begins the process of letting go
I'm just after reading my most recent previous posts and man am I in a different mind set. I am officially homesick. And I am really missing You Know Who (who will be referred to as M from now on). My housing situation is now up in the air, and I'm considering leaving Ireland earlier than originally planned.
I feel like I've been on an emotional awakening roller coaster in the past 48hrs, though really, I suppose that's been my whole time here. Who knew coming here would make me realize that the person I sought was someone who I had already. I came here in part searching for Mystery Irish Guy and I ended up rediscovering M. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Truth be told, I don't think I've wanted, really wanted, to be with anyone else since the day we met, coming up on three and a half years ago. Someone here liking me for more than just a roll in the sack snapped this all into place in my head and heart. All I could think about was M.
My bench in the park was taken away and replaced with a Titanic memorial. My official spot is now gone. Even Ireland seems to be moving on away from me in its own way. I was there yesterday, reading in the grass in front of my favorite roses, which have yet to bloom, and I was completely numb. I was over a friend's house and his housemates were having a trad session in the living room and again, I was numb. For so long, my heart was in Ireland and I had to follow it. I came here and found that it was Ireland that was in my heart. Ireland is someone's home, but after all these years of wanting it to be mine, it isn't. Ireland will always be special to me. And Dingle will always be my happy place. The place that will always speak to me in ways only it can. The place where my soul has been before. But it's not meant to be my home. Not in this lifetime. It's simply meant to be. And home for me is where my heart seems to have run off on me back on February 7th 2009. My heart is with M, it's with my Mom, it's with my dog, with my friends who saw me with braces and first crushes, with Charm City, USA where my roots are, and it's with me. Bruised, sometimes broken, but stronger than ever and so full of life and love, my heart is within me, uncovered and rediscovered after much growth and experience. I am living my life on my own terms in ways I haven't before. No longer am I bound by expectation and possible signs and prophecy. I am free to choose. And I choose to go home. Life is about the relationships you cultivate. And I will miss my friends here, more than they know. But we'll stay in touch. Good friends always do. So that's my mission. For the rest of my time here, in addition to my thesis, I'll be cultivating friendships. It won't be about trying to get to as many festivals as possible, it won't be about traveling to as many places as possible, it'll be about strengthening bonds with my friends who will soon be far away.
Naturally, the tears are flowing as I write this. Letting go is not easy. It's a process that will take time. Even after I'm home, I will mourn leaving Ireland. But I'll know it's the right thing. Ireland isn't going anywhere. And I'll be back. But it will be very different. And ya know what? That's ok. :-)
Love and hugs,
Keely
I feel like I've been on an emotional awakening roller coaster in the past 48hrs, though really, I suppose that's been my whole time here. Who knew coming here would make me realize that the person I sought was someone who I had already. I came here in part searching for Mystery Irish Guy and I ended up rediscovering M. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Truth be told, I don't think I've wanted, really wanted, to be with anyone else since the day we met, coming up on three and a half years ago. Someone here liking me for more than just a roll in the sack snapped this all into place in my head and heart. All I could think about was M.
My bench in the park was taken away and replaced with a Titanic memorial. My official spot is now gone. Even Ireland seems to be moving on away from me in its own way. I was there yesterday, reading in the grass in front of my favorite roses, which have yet to bloom, and I was completely numb. I was over a friend's house and his housemates were having a trad session in the living room and again, I was numb. For so long, my heart was in Ireland and I had to follow it. I came here and found that it was Ireland that was in my heart. Ireland is someone's home, but after all these years of wanting it to be mine, it isn't. Ireland will always be special to me. And Dingle will always be my happy place. The place that will always speak to me in ways only it can. The place where my soul has been before. But it's not meant to be my home. Not in this lifetime. It's simply meant to be. And home for me is where my heart seems to have run off on me back on February 7th 2009. My heart is with M, it's with my Mom, it's with my dog, with my friends who saw me with braces and first crushes, with Charm City, USA where my roots are, and it's with me. Bruised, sometimes broken, but stronger than ever and so full of life and love, my heart is within me, uncovered and rediscovered after much growth and experience. I am living my life on my own terms in ways I haven't before. No longer am I bound by expectation and possible signs and prophecy. I am free to choose. And I choose to go home. Life is about the relationships you cultivate. And I will miss my friends here, more than they know. But we'll stay in touch. Good friends always do. So that's my mission. For the rest of my time here, in addition to my thesis, I'll be cultivating friendships. It won't be about trying to get to as many festivals as possible, it won't be about traveling to as many places as possible, it'll be about strengthening bonds with my friends who will soon be far away.
Naturally, the tears are flowing as I write this. Letting go is not easy. It's a process that will take time. Even after I'm home, I will mourn leaving Ireland. But I'll know it's the right thing. Ireland isn't going anywhere. And I'll be back. But it will be very different. And ya know what? That's ok. :-)
Love and hugs,
Keely
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Light bulb Moment
Hey all,
So when I was writing in my journal something occurred to me. I tend to make every guy ever my worst case scenario. Like, even here, anyone I meet takes second place to the "guy in my head"...ya know, the one us girls have in our minds since the time we're teenagers or even younger? Yeah, that guy. Sure I'll date and even fall in love with "not that guy", but "that guy" always is there in the back of my mind waving at me as if to say "hey! what are you doing?! I'm still out there!" Is he? And even if he is, do I really want to spend my life waiting/searching for him?...Not really. Just some food for thought.
Cheers,
Keely
So when I was writing in my journal something occurred to me. I tend to make every guy ever my worst case scenario. Like, even here, anyone I meet takes second place to the "guy in my head"...ya know, the one us girls have in our minds since the time we're teenagers or even younger? Yeah, that guy. Sure I'll date and even fall in love with "not that guy", but "that guy" always is there in the back of my mind waving at me as if to say "hey! what are you doing?! I'm still out there!" Is he? And even if he is, do I really want to spend my life waiting/searching for him?...Not really. Just some food for thought.
Cheers,
Keely
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Vascillating
So here I am again. It's now the end of March and officially Spring. I'm 6 months away from the completion of my Master's and am just as confused about "what's next" now as I was months ago. After a trip to the Dingle peninsula a couple weekends ago, I've been thrown back into the tizzy of I CAN'T LEAVE IRELAND...vs. going home and trying something again with You Know Who. Again, the age old struggle between what I've wanted since I was a child and what I could possibly want now. I want both. But I can't have both. And relationships aside, my student loans won't pay themselves off. The easiest thing for me to do would be to move home and get a job, live at home for awhile and then move out...either get my own place or get one with a friend, or (if things were going well with You Know Who) get a place with him. It pains me to say this, but if money were no object, I'd stay here. Of course, I can't help feeling that at some point I'd get a nagging feeling (can't imagine what from...)that compels me to travel home and see what's up.
The other component here is all my stuff back at home and frankly, familial duties. I can't leave my mother with all my crap in the state it's in for her to deal with. I need to legally change my name (again), and I want to complete my Reiki training with my current teacher. So, home in September is looking like a definite anyway, regardless of whether or not I choose to stay in Ireland. I need to explore all my options here. Home is easy enough to figure out. Moving country is a whole new ballgame when not tied to school or a job you've already been accepted into. Sure, I could get a job here...despite bad economy...but what are my options? I really must make it down to the school's career centre and see what's up. Is it better to get established here? Or is it better to move home for a couple years then move back? Or will I want to stay at home if I move back there? Or will I constantly be looking back over my shoulder wishing I'd have stayed in Ireland? The last question is almost a certainty. I've always been looking to Ireland. In fact, I can't really remember a time in my life when I wasn't. I can see myself so easily settling into life here in Cork or on the Dingle peninsula. Marry an Irishman, have little Irish babies...it's what I've wanted for as long as I can remember. And being here, there's definitely the potential for that to happen. I was a bit premature in my previous postings saying that it hasn't happened yet (implying that it probably wouldn't happen at all). Who am I to say I won't meet someone today, tomorrow, or on my next trip to wherever?
Then there's You Know Who. No guarantees there either. He could meet someone too. And I would be happy for him. I want him to be happy and at peace and I want him to have the best life ever. I have my doubts about "us". There's definitely love there. But I feel like our values are still very different. The only thing is though, and he would say this, "how do we know if we don't try?" And I really don't like the idea of him not being in my life. I can see a scenario of me being at home too. I move home, get a job, we try again, things work out, we move in together, get married etc. Or what if we didn't work? Would I hightail it back to Europe?....probably, I'd try at the very least. I don't know, moving home still feels like some sort of trap. Maybe I really am meant to stay here. But maybe I need to go home for a few months or even a year to figure it out. There's no knight in shining armor in this story. I need to be that for myself. Even if I met someone here, that wouldn't solve any unresolved stuff going on inside me. There are so many variables and I only have so much energy to put toward them. Which direction will I choose? Feck, this is starting to feel like a game of tug-o-war.
Right so, must gather more information. AND focus on my Master's Degree.
The other component here is all my stuff back at home and frankly, familial duties. I can't leave my mother with all my crap in the state it's in for her to deal with. I need to legally change my name (again), and I want to complete my Reiki training with my current teacher. So, home in September is looking like a definite anyway, regardless of whether or not I choose to stay in Ireland. I need to explore all my options here. Home is easy enough to figure out. Moving country is a whole new ballgame when not tied to school or a job you've already been accepted into. Sure, I could get a job here...despite bad economy...but what are my options? I really must make it down to the school's career centre and see what's up. Is it better to get established here? Or is it better to move home for a couple years then move back? Or will I want to stay at home if I move back there? Or will I constantly be looking back over my shoulder wishing I'd have stayed in Ireland? The last question is almost a certainty. I've always been looking to Ireland. In fact, I can't really remember a time in my life when I wasn't. I can see myself so easily settling into life here in Cork or on the Dingle peninsula. Marry an Irishman, have little Irish babies...it's what I've wanted for as long as I can remember. And being here, there's definitely the potential for that to happen. I was a bit premature in my previous postings saying that it hasn't happened yet (implying that it probably wouldn't happen at all). Who am I to say I won't meet someone today, tomorrow, or on my next trip to wherever?
Then there's You Know Who. No guarantees there either. He could meet someone too. And I would be happy for him. I want him to be happy and at peace and I want him to have the best life ever. I have my doubts about "us". There's definitely love there. But I feel like our values are still very different. The only thing is though, and he would say this, "how do we know if we don't try?" And I really don't like the idea of him not being in my life. I can see a scenario of me being at home too. I move home, get a job, we try again, things work out, we move in together, get married etc. Or what if we didn't work? Would I hightail it back to Europe?....probably, I'd try at the very least. I don't know, moving home still feels like some sort of trap. Maybe I really am meant to stay here. But maybe I need to go home for a few months or even a year to figure it out. There's no knight in shining armor in this story. I need to be that for myself. Even if I met someone here, that wouldn't solve any unresolved stuff going on inside me. There are so many variables and I only have so much energy to put toward them. Which direction will I choose? Feck, this is starting to feel like a game of tug-o-war.
Right so, must gather more information. AND focus on my Master's Degree.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Ups and Downs
Hey Guys,
I'm warning you now, I"m not my usual upbeat self at the moment. I thought going for a run to clear my head would put me in a better mood, but it hasn't. There's a lot of sad stuff going on back at home that I'm not going to go into detail about. The people close to me who need to know are informed. My run today was crap. I ran up the hill to the music department, which was good. But the positive points begins and end there. I didn't wait long enough after eating before heading out, so I spent most of the time walking after the hill trying to calm my system down. Ugh. Oh well, I'll have to do a make up run tomorrow. It's so weird starting back into something in a different environment. It's not quite re-inventing the wheel, but it feels like it...today anyway. Heh. "There is always new light tomorrow"...SO said that to me once...I really need to come up with a better reference for him...Mo chuisle works...Yeah, Maybe I'll use that.
Sorry, this is turning out to be a rather unproductive and rambling post. The next one will be better :-)
Tog go bog e,
Keely
I'm warning you now, I"m not my usual upbeat self at the moment. I thought going for a run to clear my head would put me in a better mood, but it hasn't. There's a lot of sad stuff going on back at home that I'm not going to go into detail about. The people close to me who need to know are informed. My run today was crap. I ran up the hill to the music department, which was good. But the positive points begins and end there. I didn't wait long enough after eating before heading out, so I spent most of the time walking after the hill trying to calm my system down. Ugh. Oh well, I'll have to do a make up run tomorrow. It's so weird starting back into something in a different environment. It's not quite re-inventing the wheel, but it feels like it...today anyway. Heh. "There is always new light tomorrow"...SO said that to me once...I really need to come up with a better reference for him...Mo chuisle works...Yeah, Maybe I'll use that.
Sorry, this is turning out to be a rather unproductive and rambling post. The next one will be better :-)
Tog go bog e,
Keely
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Run Forest, Run!
Hey Lads,
I'm just home after a run, my first run in about 6 months. Yikes am I rusty! But I'm feeling really energized. I've never been a street runner, so I was nervous about running through Cork City. Wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be, but I'll admit I kinda beat the system. I started out the door of my apartment and turned right to run along side the River Lee and over to the pedestrian only river walk. From there I went to the park and had to walk because I started getting a shin splint which I dealt with for most of the rest of the way until I got to a nice long downhill street and ran the rest of the way home. Man did it feel great to run again! I've missed it. And my new trainers feel great :-)
My goal is to average running 3 days a week...wish me luck!
Carpe Diem,
Keely
I'm just home after a run, my first run in about 6 months. Yikes am I rusty! But I'm feeling really energized. I've never been a street runner, so I was nervous about running through Cork City. Wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be, but I'll admit I kinda beat the system. I started out the door of my apartment and turned right to run along side the River Lee and over to the pedestrian only river walk. From there I went to the park and had to walk because I started getting a shin splint which I dealt with for most of the rest of the way until I got to a nice long downhill street and ran the rest of the way home. Man did it feel great to run again! I've missed it. And my new trainers feel great :-)
My goal is to average running 3 days a week...wish me luck!
Carpe Diem,
Keely
Monday, January 23, 2012
What? Two posts in less than 24hrs?!
Hey guys,
Just sitting here in the music building waiting for my tin whistle class and killing time. So what better to do than blog? I have a ton of stuff on my mind as usual, but I can only talk about one at the moment. I'm getting the urge to write a novel again. I have a four page start of something I began about a year and a half ago whilst in France. Go figure, it's a love story. It's a complicated one. They say "write what you know" so...
Also, returning to my roots in creating this blog, I will actually talk about my travels in both Ireland and France. It's just been really hard for me to be disciplined enough to write about things on here as they happen. I'll be searching my notebooks for bits and bobs about my adventures. So, stay tuned...I'm saying that to myself as well.
Tog go bog e,
Keely
Just sitting here in the music building waiting for my tin whistle class and killing time. So what better to do than blog? I have a ton of stuff on my mind as usual, but I can only talk about one at the moment. I'm getting the urge to write a novel again. I have a four page start of something I began about a year and a half ago whilst in France. Go figure, it's a love story. It's a complicated one. They say "write what you know" so...
Also, returning to my roots in creating this blog, I will actually talk about my travels in both Ireland and France. It's just been really hard for me to be disciplined enough to write about things on here as they happen. I'll be searching my notebooks for bits and bobs about my adventures. So, stay tuned...I'm saying that to myself as well.
Tog go bog e,
Keely
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