I'm just after reading my most recent previous posts and man am I in a different mind set. I am officially homesick. And I am really missing You Know Who (who will be referred to as M from now on). My housing situation is now up in the air, and I'm considering leaving Ireland earlier than originally planned.
I feel like I've been on an emotional awakening roller coaster in the past 48hrs, though really, I suppose that's been my whole time here. Who knew coming here would make me realize that the person I sought was someone who I had already. I came here in part searching for Mystery Irish Guy and I ended up rediscovering M. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Truth be told, I don't think I've wanted, really wanted, to be with anyone else since the day we met, coming up on three and a half years ago. Someone here liking me for more than just a roll in the sack snapped this all into place in my head and heart. All I could think about was M.
My bench in the park was taken away and replaced with a Titanic memorial. My official spot is now gone. Even Ireland seems to be moving on away from me in its own way. I was there yesterday, reading in the grass in front of my favorite roses, which have yet to bloom, and I was completely numb. I was over a friend's house and his housemates were having a trad session in the living room and again, I was numb. For so long, my heart was in Ireland and I had to follow it. I came here and found that it was Ireland that was in my heart. Ireland is someone's home, but after all these years of wanting it to be mine, it isn't. Ireland will always be special to me. And Dingle will always be my happy place. The place that will always speak to me in ways only it can. The place where my soul has been before. But it's not meant to be my home. Not in this lifetime. It's simply meant to be. And home for me is where my heart seems to have run off on me back on February 7th 2009. My heart is with M, it's with my Mom, it's with my dog, with my friends who saw me with braces and first crushes, with Charm City, USA where my roots are, and it's with me. Bruised, sometimes broken, but stronger than ever and so full of life and love, my heart is within me, uncovered and rediscovered after much growth and experience. I am living my life on my own terms in ways I haven't before. No longer am I bound by expectation and possible signs and prophecy. I am free to choose. And I choose to go home. Life is about the relationships you cultivate. And I will miss my friends here, more than they know. But we'll stay in touch. Good friends always do. So that's my mission. For the rest of my time here, in addition to my thesis, I'll be cultivating friendships. It won't be about trying to get to as many festivals as possible, it won't be about traveling to as many places as possible, it'll be about strengthening bonds with my friends who will soon be far away.
Naturally, the tears are flowing as I write this. Letting go is not easy. It's a process that will take time. Even after I'm home, I will mourn leaving Ireland. But I'll know it's the right thing. Ireland isn't going anywhere. And I'll be back. But it will be very different. And ya know what? That's ok. :-)
Love and hugs,
Keely
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