Hello Folks,
I find myself in a rather melancholy mood again as I sit and write this. I know it's been ages since my last entry, and this blog has become more of an emotional dumping ground than a story of a girl living abroad in two different countries and then moving home, but I suppose emotions are as much apart of the above as oxygen is a part of breathing. Perhaps I could chalk this all up to re-adjusting to life back at home, but I'm not entirely convinced that that's all that's going on here. I think I'm at a point where I'm being forced to face things I was able to escape from by moving away. So essentially, I'm faced with the inevitable: figuring things out that I've been able to put off figuring out.
This is not a comfortable situation. I'm in all sorts of limbo and, as mentioined in my previous entry, patience and I are not friends. But is patience on my part really all that is required in my situation with M? I feel like I get a mixed message from him. On one hand, he says "ducks in a row, then Duckpants". But then he tells me he's not "considering this option at this time". Does that mean that "we"/"us" is not even a goal but simply an idea that has vaguely crossed his mind? How is it possible to say 'I love you' and even have an argument about whether or not I would take his name if/when we get married and then suddenly it's "I'm not considering this option at this time". And what about the flirting and the bit of M not being comfortable with me having one of my best guy friends come stay with me over Thanksgiving weekend? Have we devolved into some sort of twisted, sexually frustrated mess that we're not thinking or seeing clearly? Do WE not want to be with anyone but each other or is it just ME who doesn't want to be with anyone else? Are we letting the situation between M and my mother dictate how we function as a couple? Are we couple? How can we not be a couple when we bother discussing things pertaining to "us"? We're not 'just friends'. Is it right to not be back together right now even though we're back together in every sense but officially? Am I being played? Am I fooling myself? Is he fooling himself? Are WE fooling ourselves? Why is building castles in the sky together something bad to get caught up in if it will strengthen our bond? Is our limbo self-inflicted? He says he can't give me anything right now. Does he not realize that all I need from him is his love? It's not me who needs to stop having dreams about the future. Isn't it he who needs to give himself permission to dream, to love, and yes, to get caught up in something wonderful? I know what the reality is now, but is it really necessary to be smacked down with it? Would it not strengthen our bond to dream up a future together and create a goal to work toward?
I miss him. I miss him missing me. But most of all, I miss not having to miss each other.
~Keely
