Hi folks,
I just read an interesting blurb written by Elizabeth Gilbert about running away. The title of said piece was 'Running Away: Does it work?" Her answer? well, apart from two reasons why it may not, she actually said that in most cases, yes, it does in fact work. I am living proof of this and I'm glad someone else shares the same sentiment. Running away isn't necessarily running FROM something, but rather running TOWARD something else. I was never running from anything when I left the US, but running toward school, new adventures, work, friends I hadn't met, growth etc. Just like I wasn't running away from Ireland when I decided to return to the US.
Now, here's the catch. I'm getting that urge to run again. Yes, I've just started a new job. My first grown-up job, there's supposedly light at the end of the tunnel. But all I have right now are uncertainties. I see my paycheck, which for the first time is something substantial, evaporating into thin air before it's even deposited. My mother and I are constantly getting into arguments over money and debt and god knows what else. I still don't have a car and can't even begin to think about saving for one until after property taxes are paid. And the thing is, I don't mind helping out or paying rent, but I dunno, I feel stuck, trapped, both dangerous things for a Gemini to feel. Because we bolt. We run away. And that's exactly what I feel like doing. Maybe it's childish, but it seems that the less money you make, the less responsibility you have. No one expects anything of you because they know you can't do anything. Which on one hand allows you to live your life a bit footloose and fancy free. A lot of people live that way. And I'm not talking about the 30 year olds living in their parents basements playing video games all day. I'm talking about backpackers, ESOL teachers, travelers, explorers, and dreamers like me. I want to just hit the reset button and apply for a job in a far off land, teach English and just be...away. Because, despite all appearances, I wouldn't be running away. I'd be running toward. Toward healing, growth, new adventures, independence. INDEPENDENCE. Yes, in all caps.
Of course on the flip side, that's not everything I want either. Sure I could dig a year or two of that, maybe even three. But then I'd grow weary of being on the move, weary of being the foreigner, and weary of homesickness. I could never leave Scorpio that long anyway. I mean, who am I kidding. After one week of living together while my mother was away, I miss him at night and wake up with my arms sprawled out on his side of the bed as if I'm reaching for him. Yeah yeah, *dawwwwwwwwwwww* But that's the thing, I want to be able to realistically plan out my life. Save for a car, move out, keep moving forward with Scorpio. Ya know, like what normal people do. Not that 'normal' people don't stress out about money and god knows what else, but I'd at least like my stress to be my own and not mine and my mom's all wrapped up into one huge tornado of FML. I mean, I'd love to stress out about just my own life, my own bills, my own relationship, my own car. I'd love to just visit my mother and talk or go grab coffee and not talk about stressful things for once. I'd love for her life to just be easy, like it should be for someone her age. I curse my dad for never taking care of the house, for cheating on her, for not being an involved parent and husband apart from when he had an audience and would pretend like he was. And most of all I curse him for continuing to twist the knife and leave her with nothing after the divorce. But I digress.
Maybe running away doesn't have to be a physical escape. Maybe if I just "run away" from worrying about anyone else but myself for awhile will do the trick. I've been told by some much older friends that now is the time for me to be selfish. To just focus on me. Well, I'm gonna take them up on that. Maybe if I just pay my rent and pay my bills, and save what I can, I'll be less stressed, less worried, and more calm. CALM. Yes, ironically in all caps.
Cheers,
Keely
