Transcendant

Today I woke up with the urge to play my tin whistle.  I've been playing around with a few jigs that I've fallen in love with and have been playing them in sets.  I think I've created a new one, but I'll have to do some research on that.  I'm simply enjoying playing.  It's like reconnecting with my core.  I'm not worried about what I sound like (though it does sound good if I say so myself), or what I look like; freckled chick tapping her foot and moving to the music she's producing, with eyes closed and an idiotic grin on her face because she's deliriously happy.  I've decided that jigs are my favorite tunes to play. They sway.  They're playful.  And they make me happy.  I always wonder, when I get into a playing frenzy, why don't I play more often?  Do I not think I'm worthy of all this bliss?  Or do I simply cop out too soon when I come across a tune that is proving to be more difficult to play and I've grown bored with the tunes I'm already good at?  I present these questions to the Universe.  See, I recently faced a fear of mine without really even trying.  Perhaps this is also a fear?  Fear of what though exactly?  Fear of failure or fear of success?  Does it matter? If it's a fear it must be addressed and faced.  Overcome.  I recently got over my fear of rollercoasters.  I'll admit, I was reluctant at first to get on, but the person I was with really wanted to, and I didn't want to take that fun away from her.  So I did it!  And you know what?  I thoroughly enjoyed myself!  Enough to get on two more that day.  The last of which was absolutely terrifying!  But also invigorating and freeing.  I was quite proud of myself.  Perhaps my fear of rollercoasters stemmed from a fear of letting go.  I'm not a control freak by any means, but I do like to know the outcome of situations before I dive into them...for the most part anyway.  I seem to be quite the opposite when it comes to relationships, which is quite ironic when you think about it.  I'm always diving in head first without checking to see if there's water in the pool.  Hmmm seems a bit reckless now that I see it in writing.  All passion and no depth.  Which is the opposite of who I am.  Well, not entirely opposite.  I'd say I'm 50/50.  I do have passion after all.  For a lot of things.  And today I'm being exactly that; passionate.  Passionate and deep connecting to my core.  I feel invincible.  And no one nor anything can take that away from me.  I went out on a limb today.  I followed my heart's desire to play.  And I was transcended.  Much like that day riding rollercoasters.  And for now I will leave you to ponder:  what am I afraid of?  And how can I face it?  What is my heart telling me to do?  What can I do for myself right now that will make me happy?  Ponder this, as I ride this current of infinite joy. 

Carpe Diem,
Keely

Much needed update

WOW!   Has it really been since September of 2010 that I last posted?  So much has happened.  I won't get it all caught up here, but I'll start by saying that I'm still in France.  And I'm almost finished with my teaching stint.  So far this entire experience has been amazing.  In my personal life, a lot has changed.  I am no longer in that relationship that I'd struggled so hard to leave behind.  I did manage to visit home and said significant other, but somewhere down the line there was a major upset and true colors were shown.  Something happened that made me completely reconsider the entire relationship and where it was (or really wasn't ) going.  So I ended it.  It wasn't easy.  But it made me grow.  Know what's amazing after getting out of a relationship that holds you back?  You realize, once you're free and can take a step back, all the potential that life has to offer.  And everything is literally right at your fingertips!  The World is now my oyster!  In every aspect.  Career, travel, new relationships, EVERYTHING.  And it's rushing toward me (or am I rushing toward it?) at full speed with arms wide open. It's an amazing feeling :-) 

I've also learned a lot about myself.  I don't have any regrets and I wouldn't be the person I am today without the experiences I had in said relationship.  But I also feel like I'm back to the "me" I was as a much younger girl.  Not in an immature, reverting back to childhood way, but in a centering way.  I'm "me", but so much more.  I'm an artist.  Not with paint or pastels, but with words.  I've started writing again.  I'm not sure why I stopped, actually.  It was always something that I just did naturally.  My bedroom at home is filled with notebooks containing my musings, stories, and most of all, songs.  I haven't written a song in a year!  I remember a time when I wrote 9 songs in a month!  Of course, songwriting is difficult when I don't have a guitar lying around for me to pick up and play.  But my lack of songwriting has prompted me to practice my Irish flute and tin whistle more.  I'm still not "session ready" (to my perfectionist ears at least) but I'm definitely improving.  I'm writing a memoir.  Not sure if it's something I'll eventually get published.  But it's therapeutic nonetheless.  It's my life beginning at age 20.  Why age 20?  Because at age 20 I became an adult.  Or at least came to the realization that if I didn't live my life for me and do what I'm passionate about doing RIGHT NOW (or well...once I turned 20) it would never happen, and I'd be then sucked into the abyss that is office work and dead ends and disappointment and doing something "constructive", something I'm "supposed" to be doing instead of something I love.  So yeah, age 20. 

I realize this is a terrible place to leave off, but I'm exhausted and can barely keep my eyes open.  I'll do my best to stick with this blog and not leave month long gaps. 

Cheers,
Keely