Hey all,
So when I was writing in my journal something occurred to me. I tend to make every guy ever my worst case scenario. Like, even here, anyone I meet takes second place to the "guy in my head"...ya know, the one us girls have in our minds since the time we're teenagers or even younger? Yeah, that guy. Sure I'll date and even fall in love with "not that guy", but "that guy" always is there in the back of my mind waving at me as if to say "hey! what are you doing?! I'm still out there!" Is he? And even if he is, do I really want to spend my life waiting/searching for him?...Not really. Just some food for thought.
Cheers,
Keely
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Vascillating
So here I am again. It's now the end of March and officially Spring. I'm 6 months away from the completion of my Master's and am just as confused about "what's next" now as I was months ago. After a trip to the Dingle peninsula a couple weekends ago, I've been thrown back into the tizzy of I CAN'T LEAVE IRELAND...vs. going home and trying something again with You Know Who. Again, the age old struggle between what I've wanted since I was a child and what I could possibly want now. I want both. But I can't have both. And relationships aside, my student loans won't pay themselves off. The easiest thing for me to do would be to move home and get a job, live at home for awhile and then move out...either get my own place or get one with a friend, or (if things were going well with You Know Who) get a place with him. It pains me to say this, but if money were no object, I'd stay here. Of course, I can't help feeling that at some point I'd get a nagging feeling (can't imagine what from...)that compels me to travel home and see what's up.
The other component here is all my stuff back at home and frankly, familial duties. I can't leave my mother with all my crap in the state it's in for her to deal with. I need to legally change my name (again), and I want to complete my Reiki training with my current teacher. So, home in September is looking like a definite anyway, regardless of whether or not I choose to stay in Ireland. I need to explore all my options here. Home is easy enough to figure out. Moving country is a whole new ballgame when not tied to school or a job you've already been accepted into. Sure, I could get a job here...despite bad economy...but what are my options? I really must make it down to the school's career centre and see what's up. Is it better to get established here? Or is it better to move home for a couple years then move back? Or will I want to stay at home if I move back there? Or will I constantly be looking back over my shoulder wishing I'd have stayed in Ireland? The last question is almost a certainty. I've always been looking to Ireland. In fact, I can't really remember a time in my life when I wasn't. I can see myself so easily settling into life here in Cork or on the Dingle peninsula. Marry an Irishman, have little Irish babies...it's what I've wanted for as long as I can remember. And being here, there's definitely the potential for that to happen. I was a bit premature in my previous postings saying that it hasn't happened yet (implying that it probably wouldn't happen at all). Who am I to say I won't meet someone today, tomorrow, or on my next trip to wherever?
Then there's You Know Who. No guarantees there either. He could meet someone too. And I would be happy for him. I want him to be happy and at peace and I want him to have the best life ever. I have my doubts about "us". There's definitely love there. But I feel like our values are still very different. The only thing is though, and he would say this, "how do we know if we don't try?" And I really don't like the idea of him not being in my life. I can see a scenario of me being at home too. I move home, get a job, we try again, things work out, we move in together, get married etc. Or what if we didn't work? Would I hightail it back to Europe?....probably, I'd try at the very least. I don't know, moving home still feels like some sort of trap. Maybe I really am meant to stay here. But maybe I need to go home for a few months or even a year to figure it out. There's no knight in shining armor in this story. I need to be that for myself. Even if I met someone here, that wouldn't solve any unresolved stuff going on inside me. There are so many variables and I only have so much energy to put toward them. Which direction will I choose? Feck, this is starting to feel like a game of tug-o-war.
Right so, must gather more information. AND focus on my Master's Degree.
The other component here is all my stuff back at home and frankly, familial duties. I can't leave my mother with all my crap in the state it's in for her to deal with. I need to legally change my name (again), and I want to complete my Reiki training with my current teacher. So, home in September is looking like a definite anyway, regardless of whether or not I choose to stay in Ireland. I need to explore all my options here. Home is easy enough to figure out. Moving country is a whole new ballgame when not tied to school or a job you've already been accepted into. Sure, I could get a job here...despite bad economy...but what are my options? I really must make it down to the school's career centre and see what's up. Is it better to get established here? Or is it better to move home for a couple years then move back? Or will I want to stay at home if I move back there? Or will I constantly be looking back over my shoulder wishing I'd have stayed in Ireland? The last question is almost a certainty. I've always been looking to Ireland. In fact, I can't really remember a time in my life when I wasn't. I can see myself so easily settling into life here in Cork or on the Dingle peninsula. Marry an Irishman, have little Irish babies...it's what I've wanted for as long as I can remember. And being here, there's definitely the potential for that to happen. I was a bit premature in my previous postings saying that it hasn't happened yet (implying that it probably wouldn't happen at all). Who am I to say I won't meet someone today, tomorrow, or on my next trip to wherever?
Then there's You Know Who. No guarantees there either. He could meet someone too. And I would be happy for him. I want him to be happy and at peace and I want him to have the best life ever. I have my doubts about "us". There's definitely love there. But I feel like our values are still very different. The only thing is though, and he would say this, "how do we know if we don't try?" And I really don't like the idea of him not being in my life. I can see a scenario of me being at home too. I move home, get a job, we try again, things work out, we move in together, get married etc. Or what if we didn't work? Would I hightail it back to Europe?....probably, I'd try at the very least. I don't know, moving home still feels like some sort of trap. Maybe I really am meant to stay here. But maybe I need to go home for a few months or even a year to figure it out. There's no knight in shining armor in this story. I need to be that for myself. Even if I met someone here, that wouldn't solve any unresolved stuff going on inside me. There are so many variables and I only have so much energy to put toward them. Which direction will I choose? Feck, this is starting to feel like a game of tug-o-war.
Right so, must gather more information. AND focus on my Master's Degree.
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