So here I am again. It's now the end of March and officially Spring. I'm 6 months away from the completion of my Master's and am just as confused about "what's next" now as I was months ago. After a trip to the Dingle peninsula a couple weekends ago, I've been thrown back into the tizzy of I CAN'T LEAVE IRELAND...vs. going home and trying something again with You Know Who. Again, the age old struggle between what I've wanted since I was a child and what I could possibly want now. I want both. But I can't have both. And relationships aside, my student loans won't pay themselves off. The easiest thing for me to do would be to move home and get a job, live at home for awhile and then move out...either get my own place or get one with a friend, or (if things were going well with You Know Who) get a place with him. It pains me to say this, but if money were no object, I'd stay here. Of course, I can't help feeling that at some point I'd get a nagging feeling (can't imagine what from...)that compels me to travel home and see what's up.
The other component here is all my stuff back at home and frankly, familial duties. I can't leave my mother with all my crap in the state it's in for her to deal with. I need to legally change my name (again), and I want to complete my Reiki training with my current teacher. So, home in September is looking like a definite anyway, regardless of whether or not I choose to stay in Ireland. I need to explore all my options here. Home is easy enough to figure out. Moving country is a whole new ballgame when not tied to school or a job you've already been accepted into. Sure, I could get a job here...despite bad economy...but what are my options? I really must make it down to the school's career centre and see what's up. Is it better to get established here? Or is it better to move home for a couple years then move back? Or will I want to stay at home if I move back there? Or will I constantly be looking back over my shoulder wishing I'd have stayed in Ireland? The last question is almost a certainty. I've always been looking to Ireland. In fact, I can't really remember a time in my life when I wasn't. I can see myself so easily settling into life here in Cork or on the Dingle peninsula. Marry an Irishman, have little Irish babies...it's what I've wanted for as long as I can remember. And being here, there's definitely the potential for that to happen. I was a bit premature in my previous postings saying that it hasn't happened yet (implying that it probably wouldn't happen at all). Who am I to say I won't meet someone today, tomorrow, or on my next trip to wherever?
Then there's You Know Who. No guarantees there either. He could meet someone too. And I would be happy for him. I want him to be happy and at peace and I want him to have the best life ever. I have my doubts about "us". There's definitely love there. But I feel like our values are still very different. The only thing is though, and he would say this, "how do we know if we don't try?" And I really don't like the idea of him not being in my life. I can see a scenario of me being at home too. I move home, get a job, we try again, things work out, we move in together, get married etc. Or what if we didn't work? Would I hightail it back to Europe?....probably, I'd try at the very least. I don't know, moving home still feels like some sort of trap. Maybe I really am meant to stay here. But maybe I need to go home for a few months or even a year to figure it out. There's no knight in shining armor in this story. I need to be that for myself. Even if I met someone here, that wouldn't solve any unresolved stuff going on inside me. There are so many variables and I only have so much energy to put toward them. Which direction will I choose? Feck, this is starting to feel like a game of tug-o-war.
Right so, must gather more information. AND focus on my Master's Degree.
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