"Keep flying the plane, kid"

Hi folks,

      I see it's been months since my last post. Not shocking since I tend to write with the best of intentions to keep a regular schedule, then proceed to write a couple blog entries days apart only to drop off the planet shortly thereafter. Well, this time I won't promise anything. Or even say maybe I'll be better this time. I'll just write when I have the urge and post accordingly. There, that's out of the way.

     Life has thrown some curve balls lately. Balls, bombs, shrapnel...the kitchen sink...you name it. And I hate to report I've kind of "let the terrorists win". Losing oneself in negativity is never good and I very possibly have just saved myself from sinking further. Although as of late my life has been built on one step forward, two steps back, I still have a lot of good things going on. I still have Scorpio, I still have a house to live in, I still have my friends, my bestie is getting married to a great guy, and despite some significant and all too frequent arguments lately, my Mom and I are still joined at the hip. It's always amazing what a change in attitude and effective communication can do. No one (in my inner circle) is dying or has a serious health problem, no one is on the street. Somehow, talking to my dad of all people seemed to do the trick in giving me a strong dose of perspective and the leg up I've needed (perhaps I'll dedicate another post about why this is a rather surprising phenomenon). I don't know when or why I let go of my perspective on things, but the conversation I had with my dad really snapped some things into focus.

      Imagine if I were born in 1942. Countries are being occupied and/or wiped out, an entire population of people is being exterminated daily, the world economy is in the toilet, and people back home Stateside are saving rubberbands and cans to help the war effort. Jobs? Pffft every able bodied male was sent to fight and every able bodied woman was sent to a factory or was receiving foodstamps from the government. It must have felt like the end of the world! How could it not with all that going on? But ya know what, people endured, people still managed to find ways to be happy, babies were still being born, children still played. I've been so stuck on the clouds that I started looking for them instead of the silver linings. I've been in a fog. But just as my love life over the past year and a half has been one shitstorm after another that has been cleared away and stabilized, so too will the job shitstorm. I believe it now. I believe it. I believe it. I believe it! "Keep flying the plane, kid", my dad said in reference to a tough piloting experience he had flying through thunderstorms. And so I will.

     As for Scorpio, I can't thank him enough for sticking by me through my crazy. While there has certainly been venting and frustration from both of us, there has remained constant respect and love for everyone on all sides. Trying times test character and it's under pressure where you either crack or persevere. So far we endure and I couldn't be more grateful, proud, and honored to have him in my life. Now that things are calming down, I look forward to getting back to going on new adventures, creating memories, and building our relationship into something even more beautiful and sacred than it already is. I love and appreciate you so much, Scorpio!

 Positivity, Love, and Light over fear, discouragement, and despair. Character over Personality. Enlightenment over Ego.

Be well,
Keely

Gemini&Scorpio

Hey All,

    No, I have not fallen off the face of the planet.  I am, however, now officially in a relationship with Scorpio.  Clearly that first date, and the ones that followed were a success!  It only took us a week of dating to decide to become official and thus dubbed boyfriend and girlfriend.  I honestly couldn't be happier!  All my freaking out and worrying have subsided and I find myself at ease and just enjoying him and the relationship.  It's an awesome place to be, and he's absolutely fantastic.  It's nice to finally be in something that isn't stressful or painful or one-sided.  Even only being a month into it, we're functional, grounded, and mature, especially where effective communication is concerned.  Amazing.  I find myself more and more sad at the prospect of leaving to do my PhD, though I refuse to give up on that dream.  He refuses to let me give up on it as well, which is something I am grateful for.  He truly is an amazing person and a beautiful soul.  Supportive, sweet, and actually pretty badass, not to mention nerdy (which for me is a HUGE selling point).  I'm a lucky girl :-)

Cheers,
Keely

(OK)Cupid: 1, Keely: ????

Hey peeps!

    Ok, this post is going to seem very contadictory to the previous one.  Well, maybe not entirely contradictory, but definitely in some aspects.  I swear I'm not fickle!  (says the quintessential Gemini).  It's just that life has thrown me a curveball and instead of shaking my fist at the Universe (who am I kidding, I still kind of am), I'm gonna just go with it.

    A few days ago, after months of poking and prodding by my friends, I finally logged onto OKCupid and added pictures to my otherwise mostly blank profile.  What could be the harm in 4 pics and maybe a couple views?  Maybe a casual thing could happen with a non-creeper, right?  No biggie.  What am I even doing on OKCupid when I'm deadset on moving back to Cork?  Well, trust me, I've asked myself the same question a thousand times.  But something told me to just go for it that night.  Maybe it was after the falling out with a friend of mine in Ireland that was the final straw that broke the camel's back, maybe it was just me saying "feck it, let's see what happens".  Little did I know, the Universe had some ideas and plans of its own, and NOTHING could have prepared me for what happened.


I can't remember exactly what he said, but it was something along the lines of my major in grad school or my travels in Ireland and France.  A far cry from this other creeper dude who was asking me if I "could take a lot" and that he "could probably handle me".  Pffff handle me??? Yeah right.  Good luck creeper dude who can't even form coherent sentences!  Anyway, so I ended up in a legit conversation with the non-creeper.  Let's call him Scorpio.  So, as Scorpio and I were talking, I started to notice a couple things:  1)  I was no longer paying attention to the hoard of dudes checking out my profile and leaving me messages, 2) I was actually intrigued and impressed with this guy, and 3) he was not only keeping up, but beating me (occasionally) in a battle of wits! (this NEVER happens, btw) #whoisthisguy????  Then before I knew it, HOURS had gone by and we were still mid-conversation (WHATTTT?????).  We exchanged phone numbers and ended up talking for even more hours well into the wee hours of the morning (again, WHAT?????).

Here we are 5 days later and we're still up til 3 every night either texting, talking, or both (mostly both) and have covered more ground before we even went on our first date than some couples cover in a 5 year relationship!  (WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!).

So where does this leave Ireland?  Well, he more or less asked the same thing.  Though his version was more along the lines of 'do I really want to get involved with a girl who's deadset on leaving in a year and a half?'  Very valid.  And normally, I probably would have been ok with that and let him back out and then switch to the idea of having made a new friend.  Nope.  I was legitimately bummed by that idea and trust me, no one was more surprised about that than me.  So I fought for it.  Yup.  I did.  Then proceeded to freak the hell out the next day.  I was asking myself all kinds of questions.  Was I really serious about the idea of postponing Ireland?  I barely even know this guy and I'm already worried about missing an opportunity by losing him?  Maybe I should take the safe option and just be friends...Oh god what am I doing???????!!!!  What if we don't have the same chemistry in person?  What if we aren't attracted to each other in person?  GAHHHHHH!

But here's the crazy part, I honestly feel like I'd be a fool to pass him up.  So, despite my tendency to run like hell (after fighting tooth and nail of course), I'm going to go WAAAAAAAY out of my comfort zone and see where this goes....at least see what happens on the first date.

See, the PhD in Ireland is something I definitely want to do (and will do) at some point.  But Ireland isn't going anywhere.  I always have that.  It's something I more or less have control over.  Scorpio?  Not so much.

That being said, I'm scared shitless.  I'm the one who doesn't let relationships "get in the way", I'm the one who galivants around the planet, I don't get tied down, trapped, or held onto.  But what if deep down I do (and always have) want to be held onto?  What if I just wasn't in the right relationships and not all of them entail being driven by the ego, being taken for granted, and blowing up in flames?  I'm not accustomed to guys like Scorpio.  The adventurous, the sweet, the sincere, the sardonic, the type who can disarm me, and the type who genuinely want to be with me and make me happy (like seriously, what?!).  My god what if this actually works out???!!!  I find myself in a perdicament.  I'm not sure if I'm more afraid of it not working, or of it working.  Note to self:  when silently telling the Universe in passing, 'I need to do something that makes me uncomfortable', be ready for something to actually happen!

It seems I am cheating on Ireland and France lol.  Oops.

Roll on Saturday!

Cheers,
Keely



 

Reflections

I've been listening to Vienna Teng's song 'Level Up' on repeat for the past almost 24hrs (link to the song is below).  Frankly speaking, the lyrics are exactly what I've been thinking, feeling, and needing to hear.  It's a fantastic feeling being validated by the Universe.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4n_8R5lKnw

So many thoughts, images, emotions flowing through me these past few days.  I'm getting that feeling again that I'm on the verge of something. Maybe it's just been the conversations I've been having lately, maybe I've grown again, maybe it's just that 2013 is ending and I'm filled with excited anticipation for 2014.  But I take a small step back, remembering that the New Year will only bring me what I put into it.  Am I ready to begin research for my PhD proposal?  Am I ready to fully throw myself into the job hunting market and get that 'grown-up' job for the next 18 months?  Am I ready to ease into the discomfort of feeling stuck for the next year and a half?  Am I ready to make the choice to be happy everyday until my iminent departure?  I'm not sure.  I don't like to lump myself in with the group of people on this planet who don't venture out of their comfort zone, but sometimes I think I do find myself among them.  It's just that my comfort zone doesn't remotely resemble theirs.  I have no qualms about packing up and leaving my country and living in someone else's for an extended period of time, functioning on a daily basis in my second language, talking to strangers, singing in public, speaking my mind.  And truthfully, if money were no object, I'd be gone in a heartbeat to go on my next adventure to god knows where, for god knows how long, without much of a backward glance.  Not that I wouldn't miss my friends and family here, but frankly, not even romantic relationships have kept me home.

No, my comfort zone has nothing to do with a white picket fence, a husband, the average 2.3 children, and a stable job.  I loathe feeling stuck, trapped, and painted into the corner of "should be".  My heart longs for the world, the Universe, meeting new people and making connections.  Sometimes, even the planet doesn't seem big enough.  I grow impatient. To the point where I find myself brooding and depressed because I can't be somewhere else, with new people, or doing anything remotely adventurous or mind-blowing.  But alas, here I am, stuck.  It's times like these when I must remember to be grateful for what I DO have.  I must realize that there is just as much adventure in the mundane.  It just takes stepping back and taking a harder look at what's in front of me.  Maybe trying a new food in the grocery store, actually calling a friend and hearing their voice instead of sending a text, hell even going into chat rooms on the internet (with caution of course) and meeting people quite literally on the other side of the world.  Because the truth is, happiness and adventure don't only live "out there", they also live within.  And in order to appreciate fully those adventures that ARE "out there", I must be able to appreciate the adventures right outside my door.  This is something I knew better as a younger person.  It's a lesson I seem to need to relearn always because it's something so easily forgotten for the impatient brooder I am.  *Sigh* the angst of a dreamer.

But what are dreams without actions behind them?  Just that, dreams. I intend to fulfill mine.  So what am I actually doing in order to get to where I want to go?  When I have down time, am I just sitting on social media or am I taking the time to meditate and visualize having everything I desire?  Am I writing?  Am I singing?  Am I researching?  Am I LIVING?  If the answer to any of those questions is 'no', then I'm not doing my job as a human with real goals.  Time to get off the treadmill and start running outside.

And look at that, I've written another blog post less than 24hrs after the last one.  I'm already making progress.  ASK, BELIEVE, RECEIVE (The Secret).

Carpe Diem,
Keely

2013 in a Nutshell

Wow!  I've just been reading through my last blog entry and realized that it's been over a year since that post.  My life has changed dramatically since then in some areas and not much at all in others.  Let me catch you up on 2013.

Naturally, I won't go into minute details, there's just too much that has happened and an unquantifiable amount of emotions have transpired to write it all down here.  I'll break it all down into categories.

Location:
I'm still in the US.  If I had to sum up my feelings on my location this past year into one word, it'd be 'miserable'.  Now, I'm not anti-American, though I may be a disgruntled, dissatisfied citizen.  Despite my rants about the government and certain famous individuals I'm liable to have, deep down I really do love my country.  In fact, it's because of my love for my country that I do take the time and energy to rant about things that I think the US could be doing better.

That being said, the 'American Dream' is not for me.  Despite having an image in my head of the picket fence and a stable living situation etc, I don't see myself living out my days in the good ol' U.S. of A.  The American lifestyle is not my lifestyle and it's not where I want to raise my future hypothetical children.  I've always known deep down that I was meant to be an expat and now, as a Twenty-something, I'm really beginning to understand what that actually means in a real sense.  It means uprooting and staying gone.  Not that I won't come home to visit, but I just won't be moving home.  Quite a big difference that.  Fortunately I seem to be meeting people who either have been expats for years or are embarking on a similar adventure, so I have people to relate to as I journey on.
That journey being moving back to Ireland in 2015 and getting my PhD.  I intend (as always) to write about my experiences there when the time comes.  Stay tuned.

I did move to a different city for a month and got certified to teach English as a second language, so I am now employable worldwide.  Woohoo!  Lot's of doors open now.

Relationships:
Everyone's favorite subject when you're in your twenties.  M is out of the picture.  I cut that off around the time of my birthday and haven't looked back.  Hindsight is always 20/20 and when I look back at the mess that last year was in terms of that situation, I am astounded that I let myself get caught up in it.  So toxic, stressful, and painful.  So not worth my time and emotions.  Lesson learned.  Never again.

I have subsequently had a tumultuous relationship with a best friend (guy friend) that has required and still does require vigilance on both our parts to not keep making the same mistakes.  I won't go into detail as to why it's a mistake for us to be together, let your imagination run wild on that one.  Either way, it's not a good idea.

I have had an online fling of sorts with someone I met during my CELTA program (the ESOL thing).  I was really hoping that could have turned into something.  Something casual, but still something more than what it was.  Oh well.  Not the first time I've been disappointed. 
And I have gone back into an old chat room website that I haven't been on since my Undergraduate days.  A craving for the French language prompted that move.  I've met some interesting people, but am not going to make a habit out of it.  Lot's of creepers on there who try to seduce a young twenty-something like myself into stripping down over webcam.  And by seduce I mean outright just ask 'cam?'  Non merci!

In terms of relationships, these days I'm finding I have absolute zero tolerance for bullshit and I'm getting better at smelling it first before stepping in it.  I also know myself better and what my deal breakers are.  It's a good feeling to be firmly grounded in myself.  Even though I'm still in the process (as I always will be, one never totally arrives) of my life journey, I'm really in a place of trusting my intuition and staying true to myself no matter what.  Character over personality.  That's my new mantra. 

I'm also learning that relationships don't have to be all or nothing.  It is actually possible to date someone and it not turn into anything serious or end in a horrible break up.  It's ok to be fluid and transient.  

Job:
Still working retail.  Not sure if that was mentioned in previous posts, but I work in a women's clothing store.  It's not bad, but the pay sucks and I really need to find a 'grown-up' job soon so I can actually save money for my upcoming move back to Ireland.  Sadly, there aren't a lot of TESOL jobs in my area and a move overseas before moving back to Ireland just isn't feasible.  So the job search continues...

Happy Holidays to all and here's to a Peaceful, and Happier 2014!

Cheers,
Keely

So many questions

Hello Folks,

     I find myself in a rather melancholy mood again as I sit and write this.  I know it's been ages since my last entry, and this blog has become more of an emotional dumping ground than a story of a girl living abroad in two different countries and then moving home, but I suppose emotions are as much apart of the above as oxygen is a part of breathing.  Perhaps I could chalk this all up to re-adjusting to life back at home, but I'm not entirely convinced that that's all that's going on here.  I think I'm at a point where I'm being forced to face things I was able to escape from by moving away.  So essentially, I'm faced with the inevitable:  figuring things out that I've been able to put off figuring out.
    This is not a comfortable situation.  I'm in all sorts of limbo and, as mentioined in my previous entry, patience and I are not friends.  But is patience on my part really all that is required in my situation with M?  I feel like I get a mixed message from him.  On one hand, he says "ducks in a row, then Duckpants".  But then he tells me he's not "considering this option at this time".  Does that mean that "we"/"us" is not even a goal but simply an idea that has vaguely crossed his mind?  How is it possible to say 'I love you' and even have an argument about whether or not I would take his name if/when we get married and then suddenly it's "I'm not considering this option at this time".  And what about the flirting and the bit of M not being comfortable with me having one of my best guy friends come stay with me over Thanksgiving weekend?  Have we devolved into some sort of twisted, sexually frustrated mess that we're not thinking or seeing clearly?  Do WE not want to be with anyone but each other or is it just ME who doesn't want to be with anyone else?  Are we letting the situation between M and my mother dictate how we function as a couple?  Are we  couple?  How can we not be a couple when we bother discussing things pertaining to "us"?  We're not 'just friends'.  Is it right to not be back together right now even though we're back together in every sense but officially?  Am I being played?  Am I fooling myself?  Is he fooling himself?  Are WE fooling ourselves?  Why is building castles in the sky together something bad to get caught up in if it will strengthen our bond?  Is our limbo self-inflicted?  He says he can't give me anything right now.  Does he not realize that all I need from him is his love?  It's not me who needs to stop having dreams about the future. Isn't it he who needs to give himself permission to dream, to love, and yes, to get caught up in something wonderful? I know what the reality is now, but is it really necessary to be smacked down with it?  Would it not strengthen our bond to dream up a future together and create a goal to work toward?

    I miss him.  I miss him missing me.  But most of all, I miss not having to miss each other.

~Keely    

Not so happily ever after

Hello Folks,

I've been back in the US for a bit over two months now, am unemployed, and things with M aren't exactly honky dory.  I'm optimistic that work will start in the next couple weeks.  I'm in the process of becoming a substitute teacher.  

I somehow managed to fall for the fantasy thing again.  I keep hitting that wall and getting hurt.  There is no such thing as happily ever after.  At least not in terms of relationships.  There is still the issue with M and my mother.  It's looking like the impasse will remain until the end of time.  Which means I have a lot to think about.  I'm disillusioned with relationships.  These days I rather enjoy my own company and freedom that the single life affords me.  I even consider having a child on my own and raising it sans husband or life partner.  That's not really what I want, but I would do it and still have a fulfilling life.  

Things take longer in real life than they do in my head.  Patience and I are not friends.  Especially when I always have the option of backing out.  But what would happen if I backed out?  Wouldn't I just be pulled back, just like a yoyo?  Most likely.  Will I always be stuck between a rock and a hard place?  Will I ever really have a soft place to fall outside of my friends and family?  I guess I just have to wait.

~Keely