Hey y'all,
So here I am again thinking. I guess what I'm about to talk about is something I've subconsciously been mulling over for awhile now, as in for the past few years, which has finally surfaced and manifested itself into something coherent. I've been asking myself the wrong questions!!! For so long I've been so focused on where am I supposed to be? What country should I live in? Who should I be with? When what I really should have been/should be asking is what do I love doing? What job/career makes me excited to get up in the morning? What do I find fulfilling? What do I want to be DOING for the rest of my life?
Which leads me to my latest epiphany: Do I really want to get my PhD in Ethnomusicology?
While the field of ethnomusicology is technically 'a growing field', the fact of the matter is, it's also a very niche and specific field in the Arts...which means not much opportunity for jobs...especially in this economy where institutions are cutting Arts programs left and right and making more and more professor jobs adjunct positions. Now, this isn't me giving up on a field I love, but rather taking a step back and exploring the idea of furthering my education in not only a field I love, but also a practical field. I'm referring to education and languages. While my passion for Irish music and culture is deep seated, I also have a passion for languages and teaching. Being an educator is something I can really sink my teeth into and get excited about. See, my academic pursuits were always with the end goal of teaching at university in mind, it was never solely about the research. Nor was research my primary focus, it was more of a necessary evil (albeit a nerdy-fun-agonizingbutworthit necessary evil). That being said, perhaps a PhD in education and/or languages is actually better suited for me. Currently I'm looking into MAT programs (master of arts in teaching). Why? Because teaching gets me excited to get up in the morning! Teaching, planning lessons, being creative and fun are all things I love to DO! Being an educator is fulfilling!
Thanks again, Scorpio, for making me think and encouraging me not to give up on what I really want :-)
Cheers,
Keely
Monday, August 4, 2014
Sunday, July 13, 2014
It's Academic
Hi there,
So in my spare time, I've been thinking a lot about my future and getting my PhD and such. I've decided that the best thing for me to do now is to figure out what it is exactly that I'd like to devote a number of years of research to. My life isn't solely focused on just "moving to Ireland" anymore, so my intent must be more focused on study at this point, even if that does in fact mean a return to Cork. Due to influence from Scorpio, I find myself being drawn to Hawaii and Hawaiian musical culture. I wonder if there's a way to draw connections between the musical traditions of Hawaii to the musical traditions of Ireland. Or perhaps make parallels between their efforts of transmission of their respective cultures.
Both are island nations. Obviously, Hawaii is tapped into the much larger community of, well, the enormous weight of the United States of America, but all in all, Hawaii is still very much its own place, quite separate and isolated from mainland America. Just as Ireland is connected strongly with Europe, it too is rather independent due to isolation. Both cultures have also been oppressed, mainly by outsiders who forced their own ways of life onto the respective native populations. There is a wealth of possibility here in somehow connecting these two places that are physically quite distant from each other. My question now is, which musical thread do I wish to use to tie these places together? How can I make this an Ethnomusicology project and not merely an Anthropological one? I already know I'd like to take the same themes from my MA research and apply them to my PhD work. Since I am a singer myself, maybe sticking with the sean-nos tradition on the Ireland side and looking into Hawaiian vocal tradition would be the way to go for me. Which leads me to my next question: where to go? In Cork, all I need to do is write a proposal and extensive working bibliography to show my intention of research and then go through the rest of the application process. There isn't really a threat of 'not getting in' to the program. University of Hawaii at Manoa, on the other hand, has an extremely thorough program that is rather exam heavy. And I would need to get into the program. Both programs would stretch me, but Manoa would be significantly more time consuming.
But do I really want to study Hawaiian music for my PhD? Isn't the point of getting a PhD to be an expert in something in your chosen field? And Ireland has always been my passion. Why not continue in that vein? I can always do a post-doc in Hawaii after the PhD is done. And I can always study anything I want in the future. I can research and write papers on any music that strikes my fancy. The main thing is getting the PhD, right?
Oh, curse you, conflicted mind!
~Keely
So in my spare time, I've been thinking a lot about my future and getting my PhD and such. I've decided that the best thing for me to do now is to figure out what it is exactly that I'd like to devote a number of years of research to. My life isn't solely focused on just "moving to Ireland" anymore, so my intent must be more focused on study at this point, even if that does in fact mean a return to Cork. Due to influence from Scorpio, I find myself being drawn to Hawaii and Hawaiian musical culture. I wonder if there's a way to draw connections between the musical traditions of Hawaii to the musical traditions of Ireland. Or perhaps make parallels between their efforts of transmission of their respective cultures.
Both are island nations. Obviously, Hawaii is tapped into the much larger community of, well, the enormous weight of the United States of America, but all in all, Hawaii is still very much its own place, quite separate and isolated from mainland America. Just as Ireland is connected strongly with Europe, it too is rather independent due to isolation. Both cultures have also been oppressed, mainly by outsiders who forced their own ways of life onto the respective native populations. There is a wealth of possibility here in somehow connecting these two places that are physically quite distant from each other. My question now is, which musical thread do I wish to use to tie these places together? How can I make this an Ethnomusicology project and not merely an Anthropological one? I already know I'd like to take the same themes from my MA research and apply them to my PhD work. Since I am a singer myself, maybe sticking with the sean-nos tradition on the Ireland side and looking into Hawaiian vocal tradition would be the way to go for me. Which leads me to my next question: where to go? In Cork, all I need to do is write a proposal and extensive working bibliography to show my intention of research and then go through the rest of the application process. There isn't really a threat of 'not getting in' to the program. University of Hawaii at Manoa, on the other hand, has an extremely thorough program that is rather exam heavy. And I would need to get into the program. Both programs would stretch me, but Manoa would be significantly more time consuming.
But do I really want to study Hawaiian music for my PhD? Isn't the point of getting a PhD to be an expert in something in your chosen field? And Ireland has always been my passion. Why not continue in that vein? I can always do a post-doc in Hawaii after the PhD is done. And I can always study anything I want in the future. I can research and write papers on any music that strikes my fancy. The main thing is getting the PhD, right?
Oh, curse you, conflicted mind!
~Keely
Monday, June 30, 2014
Running Away
Hi folks,
I just read an interesting blurb written by Elizabeth Gilbert about running away. The title of said piece was 'Running Away: Does it work?" Her answer? well, apart from two reasons why it may not, she actually said that in most cases, yes, it does in fact work. I am living proof of this and I'm glad someone else shares the same sentiment. Running away isn't necessarily running FROM something, but rather running TOWARD something else. I was never running from anything when I left the US, but running toward school, new adventures, work, friends I hadn't met, growth etc. Just like I wasn't running away from Ireland when I decided to return to the US.
Now, here's the catch. I'm getting that urge to run again. Yes, I've just started a new job. My first grown-up job, there's supposedly light at the end of the tunnel. But all I have right now are uncertainties. I see my paycheck, which for the first time is something substantial, evaporating into thin air before it's even deposited. My mother and I are constantly getting into arguments over money and debt and god knows what else. I still don't have a car and can't even begin to think about saving for one until after property taxes are paid. And the thing is, I don't mind helping out or paying rent, but I dunno, I feel stuck, trapped, both dangerous things for a Gemini to feel. Because we bolt. We run away. And that's exactly what I feel like doing. Maybe it's childish, but it seems that the less money you make, the less responsibility you have. No one expects anything of you because they know you can't do anything. Which on one hand allows you to live your life a bit footloose and fancy free. A lot of people live that way. And I'm not talking about the 30 year olds living in their parents basements playing video games all day. I'm talking about backpackers, ESOL teachers, travelers, explorers, and dreamers like me. I want to just hit the reset button and apply for a job in a far off land, teach English and just be...away. Because, despite all appearances, I wouldn't be running away. I'd be running toward. Toward healing, growth, new adventures, independence. INDEPENDENCE. Yes, in all caps.
Of course on the flip side, that's not everything I want either. Sure I could dig a year or two of that, maybe even three. But then I'd grow weary of being on the move, weary of being the foreigner, and weary of homesickness. I could never leave Scorpio that long anyway. I mean, who am I kidding. After one week of living together while my mother was away, I miss him at night and wake up with my arms sprawled out on his side of the bed as if I'm reaching for him. Yeah yeah, *dawwwwwwwwwwww* But that's the thing, I want to be able to realistically plan out my life. Save for a car, move out, keep moving forward with Scorpio. Ya know, like what normal people do. Not that 'normal' people don't stress out about money and god knows what else, but I'd at least like my stress to be my own and not mine and my mom's all wrapped up into one huge tornado of FML. I mean, I'd love to stress out about just my own life, my own bills, my own relationship, my own car. I'd love to just visit my mother and talk or go grab coffee and not talk about stressful things for once. I'd love for her life to just be easy, like it should be for someone her age. I curse my dad for never taking care of the house, for cheating on her, for not being an involved parent and husband apart from when he had an audience and would pretend like he was. And most of all I curse him for continuing to twist the knife and leave her with nothing after the divorce. But I digress.
Maybe running away doesn't have to be a physical escape. Maybe if I just "run away" from worrying about anyone else but myself for awhile will do the trick. I've been told by some much older friends that now is the time for me to be selfish. To just focus on me. Well, I'm gonna take them up on that. Maybe if I just pay my rent and pay my bills, and save what I can, I'll be less stressed, less worried, and more calm. CALM. Yes, ironically in all caps.
Cheers,
Keely
I just read an interesting blurb written by Elizabeth Gilbert about running away. The title of said piece was 'Running Away: Does it work?" Her answer? well, apart from two reasons why it may not, she actually said that in most cases, yes, it does in fact work. I am living proof of this and I'm glad someone else shares the same sentiment. Running away isn't necessarily running FROM something, but rather running TOWARD something else. I was never running from anything when I left the US, but running toward school, new adventures, work, friends I hadn't met, growth etc. Just like I wasn't running away from Ireland when I decided to return to the US.
Now, here's the catch. I'm getting that urge to run again. Yes, I've just started a new job. My first grown-up job, there's supposedly light at the end of the tunnel. But all I have right now are uncertainties. I see my paycheck, which for the first time is something substantial, evaporating into thin air before it's even deposited. My mother and I are constantly getting into arguments over money and debt and god knows what else. I still don't have a car and can't even begin to think about saving for one until after property taxes are paid. And the thing is, I don't mind helping out or paying rent, but I dunno, I feel stuck, trapped, both dangerous things for a Gemini to feel. Because we bolt. We run away. And that's exactly what I feel like doing. Maybe it's childish, but it seems that the less money you make, the less responsibility you have. No one expects anything of you because they know you can't do anything. Which on one hand allows you to live your life a bit footloose and fancy free. A lot of people live that way. And I'm not talking about the 30 year olds living in their parents basements playing video games all day. I'm talking about backpackers, ESOL teachers, travelers, explorers, and dreamers like me. I want to just hit the reset button and apply for a job in a far off land, teach English and just be...away. Because, despite all appearances, I wouldn't be running away. I'd be running toward. Toward healing, growth, new adventures, independence. INDEPENDENCE. Yes, in all caps.
Of course on the flip side, that's not everything I want either. Sure I could dig a year or two of that, maybe even three. But then I'd grow weary of being on the move, weary of being the foreigner, and weary of homesickness. I could never leave Scorpio that long anyway. I mean, who am I kidding. After one week of living together while my mother was away, I miss him at night and wake up with my arms sprawled out on his side of the bed as if I'm reaching for him. Yeah yeah, *dawwwwwwwwwwww* But that's the thing, I want to be able to realistically plan out my life. Save for a car, move out, keep moving forward with Scorpio. Ya know, like what normal people do. Not that 'normal' people don't stress out about money and god knows what else, but I'd at least like my stress to be my own and not mine and my mom's all wrapped up into one huge tornado of FML. I mean, I'd love to stress out about just my own life, my own bills, my own relationship, my own car. I'd love to just visit my mother and talk or go grab coffee and not talk about stressful things for once. I'd love for her life to just be easy, like it should be for someone her age. I curse my dad for never taking care of the house, for cheating on her, for not being an involved parent and husband apart from when he had an audience and would pretend like he was. And most of all I curse him for continuing to twist the knife and leave her with nothing after the divorce. But I digress.
Maybe running away doesn't have to be a physical escape. Maybe if I just "run away" from worrying about anyone else but myself for awhile will do the trick. I've been told by some much older friends that now is the time for me to be selfish. To just focus on me. Well, I'm gonna take them up on that. Maybe if I just pay my rent and pay my bills, and save what I can, I'll be less stressed, less worried, and more calm. CALM. Yes, ironically in all caps.
Cheers,
Keely
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
"Keep flying the plane, kid"
Hi folks,
I see it's been months since my last post. Not shocking since I tend to write with the best of intentions to keep a regular schedule, then proceed to write a couple blog entries days apart only to drop off the planet shortly thereafter. Well, this time I won't promise anything. Or even say maybe I'll be better this time. I'll just write when I have the urge and post accordingly. There, that's out of the way.
Life has thrown some curve balls lately. Balls, bombs, shrapnel...the kitchen sink...you name it. And I hate to report I've kind of "let the terrorists win". Losing oneself in negativity is never good and I very possibly have just saved myself from sinking further. Although as of late my life has been built on one step forward, two steps back, I still have a lot of good things going on. I still have Scorpio, I still have a house to live in, I still have my friends, my bestie is getting married to a great guy, and despite some significant and all too frequent arguments lately, my Mom and I are still joined at the hip. It's always amazing what a change in attitude and effective communication can do. No one (in my inner circle) is dying or has a serious health problem, no one is on the street. Somehow, talking to my dad of all people seemed to do the trick in giving me a strong dose of perspective and the leg up I've needed (perhaps I'll dedicate another post about why this is a rather surprising phenomenon). I don't know when or why I let go of my perspective on things, but the conversation I had with my dad really snapped some things into focus.
Imagine if I were born in 1942. Countries are being occupied and/or wiped out, an entire population of people is being exterminated daily, the world economy is in the toilet, and people back home Stateside are saving rubberbands and cans to help the war effort. Jobs? Pffft every able bodied male was sent to fight and every able bodied woman was sent to a factory or was receiving foodstamps from the government. It must have felt like the end of the world! How could it not with all that going on? But ya know what, people endured, people still managed to find ways to be happy, babies were still being born, children still played. I've been so stuck on the clouds that I started looking for them instead of the silver linings. I've been in a fog. But just as my love life over the past year and a half has been one shitstorm after another that has been cleared away and stabilized, so too will the job shitstorm. I believe it now. I believe it. I believe it. I believe it! "Keep flying the plane, kid", my dad said in reference to a tough piloting experience he had flying through thunderstorms. And so I will.
As for Scorpio, I can't thank him enough for sticking by me through my crazy. While there has certainly been venting and frustration from both of us, there has remained constant respect and love for everyone on all sides. Trying times test character and it's under pressure where you either crack or persevere. So far we endure and I couldn't be more grateful, proud, and honored to have him in my life. Now that things are calming down, I look forward to getting back to going on new adventures, creating memories, and building our relationship into something even more beautiful and sacred than it already is. I love and appreciate you so much, Scorpio!
Positivity, Love, and Light over fear, discouragement, and despair. Character over Personality. Enlightenment over Ego.
Be well,
Keely
I see it's been months since my last post. Not shocking since I tend to write with the best of intentions to keep a regular schedule, then proceed to write a couple blog entries days apart only to drop off the planet shortly thereafter. Well, this time I won't promise anything. Or even say maybe I'll be better this time. I'll just write when I have the urge and post accordingly. There, that's out of the way.
Life has thrown some curve balls lately. Balls, bombs, shrapnel...the kitchen sink...you name it. And I hate to report I've kind of "let the terrorists win". Losing oneself in negativity is never good and I very possibly have just saved myself from sinking further. Although as of late my life has been built on one step forward, two steps back, I still have a lot of good things going on. I still have Scorpio, I still have a house to live in, I still have my friends, my bestie is getting married to a great guy, and despite some significant and all too frequent arguments lately, my Mom and I are still joined at the hip. It's always amazing what a change in attitude and effective communication can do. No one (in my inner circle) is dying or has a serious health problem, no one is on the street. Somehow, talking to my dad of all people seemed to do the trick in giving me a strong dose of perspective and the leg up I've needed (perhaps I'll dedicate another post about why this is a rather surprising phenomenon). I don't know when or why I let go of my perspective on things, but the conversation I had with my dad really snapped some things into focus.
Imagine if I were born in 1942. Countries are being occupied and/or wiped out, an entire population of people is being exterminated daily, the world economy is in the toilet, and people back home Stateside are saving rubberbands and cans to help the war effort. Jobs? Pffft every able bodied male was sent to fight and every able bodied woman was sent to a factory or was receiving foodstamps from the government. It must have felt like the end of the world! How could it not with all that going on? But ya know what, people endured, people still managed to find ways to be happy, babies were still being born, children still played. I've been so stuck on the clouds that I started looking for them instead of the silver linings. I've been in a fog. But just as my love life over the past year and a half has been one shitstorm after another that has been cleared away and stabilized, so too will the job shitstorm. I believe it now. I believe it. I believe it. I believe it! "Keep flying the plane, kid", my dad said in reference to a tough piloting experience he had flying through thunderstorms. And so I will.
As for Scorpio, I can't thank him enough for sticking by me through my crazy. While there has certainly been venting and frustration from both of us, there has remained constant respect and love for everyone on all sides. Trying times test character and it's under pressure where you either crack or persevere. So far we endure and I couldn't be more grateful, proud, and honored to have him in my life. Now that things are calming down, I look forward to getting back to going on new adventures, creating memories, and building our relationship into something even more beautiful and sacred than it already is. I love and appreciate you so much, Scorpio!
Positivity, Love, and Light over fear, discouragement, and despair. Character over Personality. Enlightenment over Ego.
Be well,
Keely
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Gemini&Scorpio
Hey All,
No, I have not fallen off the face of the planet. I am, however, now officially in a relationship with Scorpio. Clearly that first date, and the ones that followed were a success! It only took us a week of dating to decide to become official and thus dubbed boyfriend and girlfriend. I honestly couldn't be happier! All my freaking out and worrying have subsided and I find myself at ease and just enjoying him and the relationship. It's an awesome place to be, and he's absolutely fantastic. It's nice to finally be in something that isn't stressful or painful or one-sided. Even only being a month into it, we're functional, grounded, and mature, especially where effective communication is concerned. Amazing. I find myself more and more sad at the prospect of leaving to do my PhD, though I refuse to give up on that dream. He refuses to let me give up on it as well, which is something I am grateful for. He truly is an amazing person and a beautiful soul. Supportive, sweet, and actually pretty badass, not to mention nerdy (which for me is a HUGE selling point). I'm a lucky girl :-)
Cheers,
Keely
No, I have not fallen off the face of the planet. I am, however, now officially in a relationship with Scorpio. Clearly that first date, and the ones that followed were a success! It only took us a week of dating to decide to become official and thus dubbed boyfriend and girlfriend. I honestly couldn't be happier! All my freaking out and worrying have subsided and I find myself at ease and just enjoying him and the relationship. It's an awesome place to be, and he's absolutely fantastic. It's nice to finally be in something that isn't stressful or painful or one-sided. Even only being a month into it, we're functional, grounded, and mature, especially where effective communication is concerned. Amazing. I find myself more and more sad at the prospect of leaving to do my PhD, though I refuse to give up on that dream. He refuses to let me give up on it as well, which is something I am grateful for. He truly is an amazing person and a beautiful soul. Supportive, sweet, and actually pretty badass, not to mention nerdy (which for me is a HUGE selling point). I'm a lucky girl :-)
Cheers,
Keely
Thursday, January 9, 2014
(OK)Cupid: 1, Keely: ????
Hey peeps!
Ok, this post is going to seem very contadictory to the previous one. Well, maybe not entirely contradictory, but definitely in some aspects. I swear I'm not fickle! (says the quintessential Gemini). It's just that life has thrown me a curveball and instead of shaking my fist at the Universe (who am I kidding, I still kind of am), I'm gonna just go with it.
A few days ago, after months of poking and prodding by my friends, I finally logged onto OKCupid and added pictures to my otherwise mostly blank profile. What could be the harm in 4 pics and maybe a couple views? Maybe a casual thing could happen with a non-creeper, right? No biggie. What am I even doing on OKCupid when I'm deadset on moving back to Cork? Well, trust me, I've asked myself the same question a thousand times. But something told me to just go for it that night. Maybe it was after the falling out with a friend of mine in Ireland that was the final straw that broke the camel's back, maybe it was just me saying "feck it, let's see what happens". Little did I know, the Universe had some ideas and plans of its own, and NOTHING could have prepared me for what happened.
I can't remember exactly what he said, but it was something along the lines of my major in grad school or my travels in Ireland and France. A far cry from this other creeper dude who was asking me if I "could take a lot" and that he "could probably handle me". Pffff handle me??? Yeah right. Good luck creeper dude who can't even form coherent sentences! Anyway, so I ended up in a legit conversation with the non-creeper. Let's call him Scorpio. So, as Scorpio and I were talking, I started to notice a couple things: 1) I was no longer paying attention to the hoard of dudes checking out my profile and leaving me messages, 2) I was actually intrigued and impressed with this guy, and 3) he was not only keeping up, but beating me (occasionally) in a battle of wits! (this NEVER happens, btw) #whoisthisguy???? Then before I knew it, HOURS had gone by and we were still mid-conversation (WHATTTT?????). We exchanged phone numbers and ended up talking for even more hours well into the wee hours of the morning (again, WHAT?????).
Here we are 5 days later and we're still up til 3 every night either texting, talking, or both (mostly both) and have covered more ground before we even went on our first date than some couples cover in a 5 year relationship! (WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!).
So where does this leave Ireland? Well, he more or less asked the same thing. Though his version was more along the lines of 'do I really want to get involved with a girl who's deadset on leaving in a year and a half?' Very valid. And normally, I probably would have been ok with that and let him back out and then switch to the idea of having made a new friend. Nope. I was legitimately bummed by that idea and trust me, no one was more surprised about that than me. So I fought for it. Yup. I did. Then proceeded to freak the hell out the next day. I was asking myself all kinds of questions. Was I really serious about the idea of postponing Ireland? I barely even know this guy and I'm already worried about missing an opportunity by losing him? Maybe I should take the safe option and just be friends...Oh god what am I doing???????!!!! What if we don't have the same chemistry in person? What if we aren't attracted to each other in person? GAHHHHHH!
But here's the crazy part, I honestly feel like I'd be a fool to pass him up. So, despite my tendency to run like hell (after fighting tooth and nail of course), I'm going to go WAAAAAAAY out of my comfort zone and see where this goes....at least see what happens on the first date.
See, the PhD in Ireland is something I definitely want to do (and will do) at some point. But Ireland isn't going anywhere. I always have that. It's something I more or less have control over. Scorpio? Not so much.
That being said, I'm scared shitless. I'm the one who doesn't let relationships "get in the way", I'm the one who galivants around the planet, I don't get tied down, trapped, or held onto. But what if deep down I do (and always have) want to be held onto? What if I just wasn't in the right relationships and not all of them entail being driven by the ego, being taken for granted, and blowing up in flames? I'm not accustomed to guys like Scorpio. The adventurous, the sweet, the sincere, the sardonic, the type who can disarm me, and the type who genuinely want to be with me and make me happy (like seriously, what?!). My god what if this actually works out???!!! I find myself in a perdicament. I'm not sure if I'm more afraid of it not working, or of it working. Note to self: when silently telling the Universe in passing, 'I need to do something that makes me uncomfortable', be ready for something to actually happen!
It seems I am cheating on Ireland and France lol. Oops.
Roll on Saturday!
Cheers,
Keely
Ok, this post is going to seem very contadictory to the previous one. Well, maybe not entirely contradictory, but definitely in some aspects. I swear I'm not fickle! (says the quintessential Gemini). It's just that life has thrown me a curveball and instead of shaking my fist at the Universe (who am I kidding, I still kind of am), I'm gonna just go with it.
A few days ago, after months of poking and prodding by my friends, I finally logged onto OKCupid and added pictures to my otherwise mostly blank profile. What could be the harm in 4 pics and maybe a couple views? Maybe a casual thing could happen with a non-creeper, right? No biggie. What am I even doing on OKCupid when I'm deadset on moving back to Cork? Well, trust me, I've asked myself the same question a thousand times. But something told me to just go for it that night. Maybe it was after the falling out with a friend of mine in Ireland that was the final straw that broke the camel's back, maybe it was just me saying "feck it, let's see what happens". Little did I know, the Universe had some ideas and plans of its own, and NOTHING could have prepared me for what happened.
I can't remember exactly what he said, but it was something along the lines of my major in grad school or my travels in Ireland and France. A far cry from this other creeper dude who was asking me if I "could take a lot" and that he "could probably handle me". Pffff handle me??? Yeah right. Good luck creeper dude who can't even form coherent sentences! Anyway, so I ended up in a legit conversation with the non-creeper. Let's call him Scorpio. So, as Scorpio and I were talking, I started to notice a couple things: 1) I was no longer paying attention to the hoard of dudes checking out my profile and leaving me messages, 2) I was actually intrigued and impressed with this guy, and 3) he was not only keeping up, but beating me (occasionally) in a battle of wits! (this NEVER happens, btw) #whoisthisguy???? Then before I knew it, HOURS had gone by and we were still mid-conversation (WHATTTT?????). We exchanged phone numbers and ended up talking for even more hours well into the wee hours of the morning (again, WHAT?????).
Here we are 5 days later and we're still up til 3 every night either texting, talking, or both (mostly both) and have covered more ground before we even went on our first date than some couples cover in a 5 year relationship! (WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!).
So where does this leave Ireland? Well, he more or less asked the same thing. Though his version was more along the lines of 'do I really want to get involved with a girl who's deadset on leaving in a year and a half?' Very valid. And normally, I probably would have been ok with that and let him back out and then switch to the idea of having made a new friend. Nope. I was legitimately bummed by that idea and trust me, no one was more surprised about that than me. So I fought for it. Yup. I did. Then proceeded to freak the hell out the next day. I was asking myself all kinds of questions. Was I really serious about the idea of postponing Ireland? I barely even know this guy and I'm already worried about missing an opportunity by losing him? Maybe I should take the safe option and just be friends...Oh god what am I doing???????!!!! What if we don't have the same chemistry in person? What if we aren't attracted to each other in person? GAHHHHHH!
But here's the crazy part, I honestly feel like I'd be a fool to pass him up. So, despite my tendency to run like hell (after fighting tooth and nail of course), I'm going to go WAAAAAAAY out of my comfort zone and see where this goes....at least see what happens on the first date.
See, the PhD in Ireland is something I definitely want to do (and will do) at some point. But Ireland isn't going anywhere. I always have that. It's something I more or less have control over. Scorpio? Not so much.
That being said, I'm scared shitless. I'm the one who doesn't let relationships "get in the way", I'm the one who galivants around the planet, I don't get tied down, trapped, or held onto. But what if deep down I do (and always have) want to be held onto? What if I just wasn't in the right relationships and not all of them entail being driven by the ego, being taken for granted, and blowing up in flames? I'm not accustomed to guys like Scorpio. The adventurous, the sweet, the sincere, the sardonic, the type who can disarm me, and the type who genuinely want to be with me and make me happy (like seriously, what?!). My god what if this actually works out???!!! I find myself in a perdicament. I'm not sure if I'm more afraid of it not working, or of it working. Note to self: when silently telling the Universe in passing, 'I need to do something that makes me uncomfortable', be ready for something to actually happen!
It seems I am cheating on Ireland and France lol. Oops.
Roll on Saturday!
Cheers,
Keely
Monday, December 23, 2013
Reflections
I've been listening to Vienna Teng's song 'Level Up' on repeat for the past almost 24hrs (link to the song is below). Frankly speaking, the lyrics are exactly what I've been thinking, feeling, and needing to hear. It's a fantastic feeling being validated by the Universe.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4n_8R5lKnw
So many thoughts, images, emotions flowing through me these past few days. I'm getting that feeling again that I'm on the verge of something. Maybe it's just been the conversations I've been having lately, maybe I've grown again, maybe it's just that 2013 is ending and I'm filled with excited anticipation for 2014. But I take a small step back, remembering that the New Year will only bring me what I put into it. Am I ready to begin research for my PhD proposal? Am I ready to fully throw myself into the job hunting market and get that 'grown-up' job for the next 18 months? Am I ready to ease into the discomfort of feeling stuck for the next year and a half? Am I ready to make the choice to be happy everyday until my iminent departure? I'm not sure. I don't like to lump myself in with the group of people on this planet who don't venture out of their comfort zone, but sometimes I think I do find myself among them. It's just that my comfort zone doesn't remotely resemble theirs. I have no qualms about packing up and leaving my country and living in someone else's for an extended period of time, functioning on a daily basis in my second language, talking to strangers, singing in public, speaking my mind. And truthfully, if money were no object, I'd be gone in a heartbeat to go on my next adventure to god knows where, for god knows how long, without much of a backward glance. Not that I wouldn't miss my friends and family here, but frankly, not even romantic relationships have kept me home.
No, my comfort zone has nothing to do with a white picket fence, a husband, the average 2.3 children, and a stable job. I loathe feeling stuck, trapped, and painted into the corner of "should be". My heart longs for the world, the Universe, meeting new people and making connections. Sometimes, even the planet doesn't seem big enough. I grow impatient. To the point where I find myself brooding and depressed because I can't be somewhere else, with new people, or doing anything remotely adventurous or mind-blowing. But alas, here I am, stuck. It's times like these when I must remember to be grateful for what I DO have. I must realize that there is just as much adventure in the mundane. It just takes stepping back and taking a harder look at what's in front of me. Maybe trying a new food in the grocery store, actually calling a friend and hearing their voice instead of sending a text, hell even going into chat rooms on the internet (with caution of course) and meeting people quite literally on the other side of the world. Because the truth is, happiness and adventure don't only live "out there", they also live within. And in order to appreciate fully those adventures that ARE "out there", I must be able to appreciate the adventures right outside my door. This is something I knew better as a younger person. It's a lesson I seem to need to relearn always because it's something so easily forgotten for the impatient brooder I am. *Sigh* the angst of a dreamer.
But what are dreams without actions behind them? Just that, dreams. I intend to fulfill mine. So what am I actually doing in order to get to where I want to go? When I have down time, am I just sitting on social media or am I taking the time to meditate and visualize having everything I desire? Am I writing? Am I singing? Am I researching? Am I LIVING? If the answer to any of those questions is 'no', then I'm not doing my job as a human with real goals. Time to get off the treadmill and start running outside.
And look at that, I've written another blog post less than 24hrs after the last one. I'm already making progress. ASK, BELIEVE, RECEIVE (The Secret).
Carpe Diem,
Keely
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4n_8R5lKnw
So many thoughts, images, emotions flowing through me these past few days. I'm getting that feeling again that I'm on the verge of something. Maybe it's just been the conversations I've been having lately, maybe I've grown again, maybe it's just that 2013 is ending and I'm filled with excited anticipation for 2014. But I take a small step back, remembering that the New Year will only bring me what I put into it. Am I ready to begin research for my PhD proposal? Am I ready to fully throw myself into the job hunting market and get that 'grown-up' job for the next 18 months? Am I ready to ease into the discomfort of feeling stuck for the next year and a half? Am I ready to make the choice to be happy everyday until my iminent departure? I'm not sure. I don't like to lump myself in with the group of people on this planet who don't venture out of their comfort zone, but sometimes I think I do find myself among them. It's just that my comfort zone doesn't remotely resemble theirs. I have no qualms about packing up and leaving my country and living in someone else's for an extended period of time, functioning on a daily basis in my second language, talking to strangers, singing in public, speaking my mind. And truthfully, if money were no object, I'd be gone in a heartbeat to go on my next adventure to god knows where, for god knows how long, without much of a backward glance. Not that I wouldn't miss my friends and family here, but frankly, not even romantic relationships have kept me home.
No, my comfort zone has nothing to do with a white picket fence, a husband, the average 2.3 children, and a stable job. I loathe feeling stuck, trapped, and painted into the corner of "should be". My heart longs for the world, the Universe, meeting new people and making connections. Sometimes, even the planet doesn't seem big enough. I grow impatient. To the point where I find myself brooding and depressed because I can't be somewhere else, with new people, or doing anything remotely adventurous or mind-blowing. But alas, here I am, stuck. It's times like these when I must remember to be grateful for what I DO have. I must realize that there is just as much adventure in the mundane. It just takes stepping back and taking a harder look at what's in front of me. Maybe trying a new food in the grocery store, actually calling a friend and hearing their voice instead of sending a text, hell even going into chat rooms on the internet (with caution of course) and meeting people quite literally on the other side of the world. Because the truth is, happiness and adventure don't only live "out there", they also live within. And in order to appreciate fully those adventures that ARE "out there", I must be able to appreciate the adventures right outside my door. This is something I knew better as a younger person. It's a lesson I seem to need to relearn always because it's something so easily forgotten for the impatient brooder I am. *Sigh* the angst of a dreamer.
But what are dreams without actions behind them? Just that, dreams. I intend to fulfill mine. So what am I actually doing in order to get to where I want to go? When I have down time, am I just sitting on social media or am I taking the time to meditate and visualize having everything I desire? Am I writing? Am I singing? Am I researching? Am I LIVING? If the answer to any of those questions is 'no', then I'm not doing my job as a human with real goals. Time to get off the treadmill and start running outside.
And look at that, I've written another blog post less than 24hrs after the last one. I'm already making progress. ASK, BELIEVE, RECEIVE (The Secret).
Carpe Diem,
Keely
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