So many questions

Hello Folks,

     I find myself in a rather melancholy mood again as I sit and write this.  I know it's been ages since my last entry, and this blog has become more of an emotional dumping ground than a story of a girl living abroad in two different countries and then moving home, but I suppose emotions are as much apart of the above as oxygen is a part of breathing.  Perhaps I could chalk this all up to re-adjusting to life back at home, but I'm not entirely convinced that that's all that's going on here.  I think I'm at a point where I'm being forced to face things I was able to escape from by moving away.  So essentially, I'm faced with the inevitable:  figuring things out that I've been able to put off figuring out.
    This is not a comfortable situation.  I'm in all sorts of limbo and, as mentioined in my previous entry, patience and I are not friends.  But is patience on my part really all that is required in my situation with M?  I feel like I get a mixed message from him.  On one hand, he says "ducks in a row, then Duckpants".  But then he tells me he's not "considering this option at this time".  Does that mean that "we"/"us" is not even a goal but simply an idea that has vaguely crossed his mind?  How is it possible to say 'I love you' and even have an argument about whether or not I would take his name if/when we get married and then suddenly it's "I'm not considering this option at this time".  And what about the flirting and the bit of M not being comfortable with me having one of my best guy friends come stay with me over Thanksgiving weekend?  Have we devolved into some sort of twisted, sexually frustrated mess that we're not thinking or seeing clearly?  Do WE not want to be with anyone but each other or is it just ME who doesn't want to be with anyone else?  Are we letting the situation between M and my mother dictate how we function as a couple?  Are we  couple?  How can we not be a couple when we bother discussing things pertaining to "us"?  We're not 'just friends'.  Is it right to not be back together right now even though we're back together in every sense but officially?  Am I being played?  Am I fooling myself?  Is he fooling himself?  Are WE fooling ourselves?  Why is building castles in the sky together something bad to get caught up in if it will strengthen our bond?  Is our limbo self-inflicted?  He says he can't give me anything right now.  Does he not realize that all I need from him is his love?  It's not me who needs to stop having dreams about the future. Isn't it he who needs to give himself permission to dream, to love, and yes, to get caught up in something wonderful? I know what the reality is now, but is it really necessary to be smacked down with it?  Would it not strengthen our bond to dream up a future together and create a goal to work toward?

    I miss him.  I miss him missing me.  But most of all, I miss not having to miss each other.

~Keely    

Not so happily ever after

Hello Folks,

I've been back in the US for a bit over two months now, am unemployed, and things with M aren't exactly honky dory.  I'm optimistic that work will start in the next couple weeks.  I'm in the process of becoming a substitute teacher.  

I somehow managed to fall for the fantasy thing again.  I keep hitting that wall and getting hurt.  There is no such thing as happily ever after.  At least not in terms of relationships.  There is still the issue with M and my mother.  It's looking like the impasse will remain until the end of time.  Which means I have a lot to think about.  I'm disillusioned with relationships.  These days I rather enjoy my own company and freedom that the single life affords me.  I even consider having a child on my own and raising it sans husband or life partner.  That's not really what I want, but I would do it and still have a fulfilling life.  

Things take longer in real life than they do in my head.  Patience and I are not friends.  Especially when I always have the option of backing out.  But what would happen if I backed out?  Wouldn't I just be pulled back, just like a yoyo?  Most likely.  Will I always be stuck between a rock and a hard place?  Will I ever really have a soft place to fall outside of my friends and family?  I guess I just have to wait.

~Keely  

Going Home

Well folks,  this is it.  I'm going home today.  Home for the foreseeable future after living abroad for the past two years.  I can't believe this journey is coming to a close.  I'll have the adventure of writing my MA thesis once I'm settled and over jetlag.  But this has been an amazing time in my life.  I've made lifelong friends, become fluent in my second language, taught, conquered an MA program, fulfilled my dream of living in Ireland, and most importantly, I've grown up in more ways than even I can fathom.  Leaving Ireland is the most difficult departure I've had to date.  Wow.  At the same time, I am totally at peace with coming home.  I made the right decision.  And I'm so glad to be setting foot on American soil once again and reconnecting with my roots.  

Another adventure I'll be starting soon is reconnecting with M in person.  At the moment I'm in my numb travel mode, but once I'm home and it hits me that I'll be seeing him in 2 days...Agh!!!  I dunno about that one.  On one hand it's "going that route", on the other it's "there are no guarantees".  Libras.  He wasn't online last night.  I hate not talking to him just before I get on a flight.  Especially over the ocean.  And I'm miffed because he said he would be there.  Online I mean.  Ah well.  I'll beat him in a poke war the next time I see him ;-).  The next while is going to be difficult for "us".  We both still need to be looking out for numero uno and can't really put "us" first yet.  It's going to be tough finding a balance.  I'm trying not to have any expectations.  So for now I'll just say that I'm looking forward to seeing him and being in his energy, and hopefully his arms, again.  

America, here I come!

Cheers,
Keely

My Happy Place

Greetings from Dingle, An Daingean, in Irish.  I'm in my Happy Place.  The place where I've wanted to live since I was a child.  As the bus from Killarney made its way up the rolling hills and steep mountains of the Dingle Peninsula (Corca Dhuibhne), I felt that familiar sense of 'home'.  I again had an overwhelming feeling of belonging and not wanting to leave.  Sure, I spent nearly a year in Cork, but not here, in the place I've really wanted to be.  Leaving almost feels premature.  I've barely begun to discover this land.  I again found my mind conjuring up images of me running off with Mystery Irishman, who I'd meet in a place I wasn't looking for him, somewhere I'd least expect it.  A bus driver,  boatman, a shopkeeper...I'd just be walking along or whatever, then all of a sudden, there he'd be, as if he's been waiting an eternity for me to show up...

But then, amongst the images of an Irishman and a life in the Gaeltacht with a couple kids, dogs, and horses (and some sheep!) running around, a very different image enters my mind.  Almost as if Cupid shot a missile instead of an arrow, M permeated my daydream with a force that almost made my breath catch.  As I gazed out over this rugged, yet verdant landscape, I was envisioning M here with me.  I could hear him in my head complaining about the incomprehensible Irish language, with its overuse of silent and altered consonants, the absurdity of such a place (or any place for that matter) being called 'Dingle', and the fact that we were way out in the boonies.  I rolled my eyes and shook my head, just as I would were he actually here.  What was he doing in my head?!  He's never been on my mind in Dingle before.  When I was here back in March, I was questioning going home and "us".  If anything, all thoughts of M and home had flown out the window.  I was poised and ready to run off with the next pretty-faced Kerry farmer who came along and showed an interest.  Perhaps there will always be a bit of that feeling inside me.  It's times like these when I can't shake the idea of Reincarnation.  As a witch, I believe in it.  But I also believe that sometimes the Universe moves us in different and unexpected directions.  Could these strong feelings for a place, and longing for a person who doesn't exist simply be past-life memories and not a sort of prophecy for who I'll be with in this life-time?  This seems the most likely scenario.  Or is it that I met M and fell for him first?  Or is M that person I met while not looking for anyone, going about my business, and then there he was, in a place I least expected it, as if he's been waiting an eternity for me to show up...

M stayed with me throughout the day.  I could so see us on the boat together waiting for Fungie, the dolphin, to make his appearance.  "We're on a boat!", M would be saying in a loud whisper in my ear.  Then there'd be references to other euphemisms.  I'd be in a near constant state of rolling my eyes, while simultaneously scanning the water for any sign of dolphin movement.  At Fungie's appearance, there would be a competition to see who got the better picture, and a race between my point-and-shoot camera and M's iPhone would ensue.  SNAP OUT OF IT, KEELY!  My brain cries, trying to bring me back to reality.  But I can't help it as more and more images of M and me spending time here surface.  I wander the town after the boat ride and peek into a jewelry shop.  I'm now in search of a ring to replace the one he lost.  A very different type of ring flashes through my mind for a split second.  Funny, later that night, I was talking to M and "going that route" came into the conversation.  We're still a ways off from that.  But I can't shake the feeling that we're being nudged by the Universe...Feck sake! 

To make matters even more interesting, back in September of 2010, my mother and I visited Drombeg stone circle.  At one point I was along in the center of the standing stones and I, in true Wiccan fashion, invoked the Goddess and asked her to reveal to me 'the one' I'm meant to be with when I return to the stone circle.  In July 2012 I went back there with friends of mine.  Being there, I was expecting to be confronted with not wanting to leave Ireland and to be back in a tizzy about what to do with M.  Instead, what I found there was an overwhelming sense of peace about returning home.  Sending a silent question about M out to the Universe, I almost detected a wink in my general direction...

It's pouring down rain today, and foggy.  I've yet to venture outside in this mess.  Perhaps I will later once it calms down outside.  I'm enjoying my happy place nonetheless, even if it seems I have a constant visitor in my head whilst I'm here.  

Tog go bog e,

Keely          

3 Weeks

3 weeks to the day until I'm home.  3 weeks.  3 weeks and a day til I see M.  3 weeks and a day until I can hug M, kiss M, and be in his energy again, in person, after a year and a half.  I'm nervous.  Really really excited, but nervous.  What if he changes his mind?  What if I change my mind?  What if we both change our minds?  Or what if neither of us changes our minds and we go for it?!  We're either really bad at staying together or really bad at being broken up.  And soon we'll know which it is.  I just hope timing isn't off again.  Neither of us are established at the moment, but maybe that's a good thing?  We're in a similar place anyway...and most importantly, we'll be in the same fecking country with no threat of me jetting off in the near future.  Funny, this blog was meant to be about my adventures living abroad in two different countries, but instead it's become about my journey with a certain person and personal growth.  A coming of age story without all the little details showing how I got from point A to point B.  Maybe one day I'll fill you all in on the nitty gritty.  In the meantime, I'll be working on the thesis and tying up all the loose ends in preparation to travel home.

Cheers,
Keely   

How to write an MA thesis...among other things

Hello Interwebs!  

     I know, this isn't like me to post again so soon, but the writing bug has bitten me.  I finally made it to the library to start research for the first chapter of my MA thesis.  I have to say, I'm getting excited about it now.  I've made a decision as to my housing for the Summer, so that's one stress off.  I've also come to terms with my homesickness and what I want in my life and how I'm ready to move on to the next phase.  Awesomeness.
    Now, first off, I must say that today I entered the library rather unprepared.  I went in armed with pens, a pad of paper, and a rough idea of what I wanted to study...the Muscrai Gaeltacht.  And I also had in mind a book to look at.  That's where my preparedness ends, however.  I had no direction whatsoever!  I found myself getting lost in all the articles my eyes swam over in the Companion to Irish Traditional Music.  It took me forever to find the entries pertaining to my subject anyway.  And what did I want to know?  Everything, duh!  The only problem is that I didn't have a book in front of me telling me the history of my area or anything.  And what was there were mere snippets of information.  I'm meant to be writing 3000 to 4000 words by the end of this month, I'll be needing more than snippet I'd say.  Next time I'll have more specific resources, my laptop, and will visit the copy room.  Phew!  So much to do!  
    As I was combing through the Companion, my mind wandered to my life after the MA.  I'm considering a career in teaching...but as I look into the certification process, I'm feeling overwhelmed.  So...what on Earth am I going to do?  What am I good at?  Writing, singing, ugh.  Somebody just give me a job I don't hate that gives benefits and a decent salary!!!

Stress much?

~Keely  

And thus begins the process of letting go

I'm just after reading my most recent previous posts and man am I in a different mind set.  I am officially homesick.  And I am really missing You Know Who (who will be referred to as M from now on).  My housing situation is now up in the air, and I'm considering leaving Ireland earlier than originally planned.  

I feel like I've been on an emotional awakening roller coaster in the past 48hrs, though really, I suppose that's been my whole time here.  Who knew coming here would make me realize that the person I sought was someone who I had already.  I came here in part searching for Mystery Irish Guy and I ended up rediscovering M.  I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.  Truth be told, I don't think I've wanted, really wanted, to be with anyone else since the day we met, coming up on three and a half years ago.  Someone here liking me for more than just a roll in the sack snapped this all into place in my head and heart.  All I could think about was M. 

My bench in the park was taken away and replaced with a Titanic memorial.  My official spot is now gone.  Even Ireland seems to be moving on away from me in its own way.  I was there yesterday, reading in the grass in front of my favorite roses, which have yet to bloom, and I was completely numb.  I was over a friend's house and his housemates were having a trad session in the living room and again, I was numb.  For so long, my heart was in Ireland and I had to follow it.  I came here and found that it was Ireland that was in my heart.  Ireland is someone's home, but after all these years of wanting it to be mine, it isn't.  Ireland will always be special to me.  And Dingle will always be my happy place.  The place that will always speak to me in ways only it can.  The place where my soul has been before.  But it's not meant to be my home.  Not in this lifetime.  It's simply meant to be.  And home for me is where my heart seems to have run off on me back on February 7th 2009.  My heart is with M, it's with my Mom, it's with my dog, with my friends who saw me with braces and first crushes, with Charm City, USA where my roots are, and it's with me.  Bruised, sometimes broken, but stronger than ever and so full of life and love, my heart is within me, uncovered and rediscovered after much growth and experience.  I am living my life on my own terms in ways I haven't before.  No longer am I bound by expectation and possible signs and prophecy.  I am free to choose.  And I choose to go home.  Life is about the relationships you cultivate.  And I will miss my friends here, more than they know.  But we'll stay in touch.  Good friends always do. So that's my mission.  For the rest of my time here, in addition to my thesis, I'll be cultivating friendships.  It won't be about trying to get to as many festivals as possible, it won't be about traveling to as many places as possible, it'll be about strengthening bonds with my friends who will soon be far away.  

Naturally, the tears are flowing as I write this.  Letting go is not easy.  It's a process that will take time.  Even after I'm home, I will mourn leaving Ireland.  But I'll know it's the right thing.  Ireland isn't going anywhere.  And I'll be back.  But it will be very different.  And ya know what?  That's ok.  :-)

Love and hugs,
Keely