I've been listening to Vienna Teng's song 'Level Up' on repeat for the past almost 24hrs (link to the song is below). Frankly speaking, the lyrics are exactly what I've been thinking, feeling, and needing to hear. It's a fantastic feeling being validated by the Universe.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4n_8R5lKnw
So many thoughts, images, emotions flowing through me these past few days. I'm getting that feeling again that I'm on the verge of something. Maybe it's just been the conversations I've been having lately, maybe I've grown again, maybe it's just that 2013 is ending and I'm filled with excited anticipation for 2014. But I take a small step back, remembering that the New Year will only bring me what I put into it. Am I ready to begin research for my PhD proposal? Am I ready to fully throw myself into the job hunting market and get that 'grown-up' job for the next 18 months? Am I ready to ease into the discomfort of feeling stuck for the next year and a half? Am I ready to make the choice to be happy everyday until my iminent departure? I'm not sure. I don't like to lump myself in with the group of people on this planet who don't venture out of their comfort zone, but sometimes I think I do find myself among them. It's just that my comfort zone doesn't remotely resemble theirs. I have no qualms about packing up and leaving my country and living in someone else's for an extended period of time, functioning on a daily basis in my second language, talking to strangers, singing in public, speaking my mind. And truthfully, if money were no object, I'd be gone in a heartbeat to go on my next adventure to god knows where, for god knows how long, without much of a backward glance. Not that I wouldn't miss my friends and family here, but frankly, not even romantic relationships have kept me home.
No, my comfort zone has nothing to do with a white picket fence, a husband, the average 2.3 children, and a stable job. I loathe feeling stuck, trapped, and painted into the corner of "should be". My heart longs for the world, the Universe, meeting new people and making connections. Sometimes, even the planet doesn't seem big enough. I grow impatient. To the point where I find myself brooding and depressed because I can't be somewhere else, with new people, or doing anything remotely adventurous or mind-blowing. But alas, here I am, stuck. It's times like these when I must remember to be grateful for what I DO have. I must realize that there is just as much adventure in the mundane. It just takes stepping back and taking a harder look at what's in front of me. Maybe trying a new food in the grocery store, actually calling a friend and hearing their voice instead of sending a text, hell even going into chat rooms on the internet (with caution of course) and meeting people quite literally on the other side of the world. Because the truth is, happiness and adventure don't only live "out there", they also live within. And in order to appreciate fully those adventures that ARE "out there", I must be able to appreciate the adventures right outside my door. This is something I knew better as a younger person. It's a lesson I seem to need to relearn always because it's something so easily forgotten for the impatient brooder I am. *Sigh* the angst of a dreamer.
But what are dreams without actions behind them? Just that, dreams. I intend to fulfill mine. So what am I actually doing in order to get to where I want to go? When I have down time, am I just sitting on social media or am I taking the time to meditate and visualize having everything I desire? Am I writing? Am I singing? Am I researching? Am I LIVING? If the answer to any of those questions is 'no', then I'm not doing my job as a human with real goals. Time to get off the treadmill and start running outside.
And look at that, I've written another blog post less than 24hrs after the last one. I'm already making progress. ASK, BELIEVE, RECEIVE (The Secret).
Carpe Diem,
Keely
Monday, December 23, 2013
Sunday, December 22, 2013
2013 in a Nutshell
Wow! I've just been reading through my last blog entry and realized that it's been over a year since that post. My life has changed dramatically since then in some areas and not much at all in others. Let me catch you up on 2013.
Naturally, I won't go into minute details, there's just too much that has happened and an unquantifiable amount of emotions have transpired to write it all down here. I'll break it all down into categories.
Location:
I'm still in the US. If I had to sum up my feelings on my location this past year into one word, it'd be 'miserable'. Now, I'm not anti-American, though I may be a disgruntled, dissatisfied citizen. Despite my rants about the government and certain famous individuals I'm liable to have, deep down I really do love my country. In fact, it's because of my love for my country that I do take the time and energy to rant about things that I think the US could be doing better.
That being said, the 'American Dream' is not for me. Despite having an image in my head of the picket fence and a stable living situation etc, I don't see myself living out my days in the good ol' U.S. of A. The American lifestyle is not my lifestyle and it's not where I want to raise my future hypothetical children. I've always known deep down that I was meant to be an expat and now, as a Twenty-something, I'm really beginning to understand what that actually means in a real sense. It means uprooting and staying gone. Not that I won't come home to visit, but I just won't be moving home. Quite a big difference that. Fortunately I seem to be meeting people who either have been expats for years or are embarking on a similar adventure, so I have people to relate to as I journey on.
That journey being moving back to Ireland in 2015 and getting my PhD. I intend (as always) to write about my experiences there when the time comes. Stay tuned.
I did move to a different city for a month and got certified to teach English as a second language, so I am now employable worldwide. Woohoo! Lot's of doors open now.
Relationships:
Everyone's favorite subject when you're in your twenties. M is out of the picture. I cut that off around the time of my birthday and haven't looked back. Hindsight is always 20/20 and when I look back at the mess that last year was in terms of that situation, I am astounded that I let myself get caught up in it. So toxic, stressful, and painful. So not worth my time and emotions. Lesson learned. Never again.
I have subsequently had a tumultuous relationship with a best friend (guy friend) that has required and still does require vigilance on both our parts to not keep making the same mistakes. I won't go into detail as to why it's a mistake for us to be together, let your imagination run wild on that one. Either way, it's not a good idea.
I have had an online fling of sorts with someone I met during my CELTA program (the ESOL thing). I was really hoping that could have turned into something. Something casual, but still something more than what it was. Oh well. Not the first time I've been disappointed.
And I have gone back into an old chat room website that I haven't been on since my Undergraduate days. A craving for the French language prompted that move. I've met some interesting people, but am not going to make a habit out of it. Lot's of creepers on there who try to seduce a young twenty-something like myself into stripping down over webcam. And by seduce I mean outright just ask 'cam?' Non merci!
In terms of relationships, these days I'm finding I have absolute zero tolerance for bullshit and I'm getting better at smelling it first before stepping in it. I also know myself better and what my deal breakers are. It's a good feeling to be firmly grounded in myself. Even though I'm still in the process (as I always will be, one never totally arrives) of my life journey, I'm really in a place of trusting my intuition and staying true to myself no matter what. Character over personality. That's my new mantra.
I'm also learning that relationships don't have to be all or nothing. It is actually possible to date someone and it not turn into anything serious or end in a horrible break up. It's ok to be fluid and transient.
Job:
Still working retail. Not sure if that was mentioned in previous posts, but I work in a women's clothing store. It's not bad, but the pay sucks and I really need to find a 'grown-up' job soon so I can actually save money for my upcoming move back to Ireland. Sadly, there aren't a lot of TESOL jobs in my area and a move overseas before moving back to Ireland just isn't feasible. So the job search continues...
Happy Holidays to all and here's to a Peaceful, and Happier 2014!
Cheers,
Keely
Naturally, I won't go into minute details, there's just too much that has happened and an unquantifiable amount of emotions have transpired to write it all down here. I'll break it all down into categories.
Location:
I'm still in the US. If I had to sum up my feelings on my location this past year into one word, it'd be 'miserable'. Now, I'm not anti-American, though I may be a disgruntled, dissatisfied citizen. Despite my rants about the government and certain famous individuals I'm liable to have, deep down I really do love my country. In fact, it's because of my love for my country that I do take the time and energy to rant about things that I think the US could be doing better.
That being said, the 'American Dream' is not for me. Despite having an image in my head of the picket fence and a stable living situation etc, I don't see myself living out my days in the good ol' U.S. of A. The American lifestyle is not my lifestyle and it's not where I want to raise my future hypothetical children. I've always known deep down that I was meant to be an expat and now, as a Twenty-something, I'm really beginning to understand what that actually means in a real sense. It means uprooting and staying gone. Not that I won't come home to visit, but I just won't be moving home. Quite a big difference that. Fortunately I seem to be meeting people who either have been expats for years or are embarking on a similar adventure, so I have people to relate to as I journey on.
That journey being moving back to Ireland in 2015 and getting my PhD. I intend (as always) to write about my experiences there when the time comes. Stay tuned.
I did move to a different city for a month and got certified to teach English as a second language, so I am now employable worldwide. Woohoo! Lot's of doors open now.
Relationships:
Everyone's favorite subject when you're in your twenties. M is out of the picture. I cut that off around the time of my birthday and haven't looked back. Hindsight is always 20/20 and when I look back at the mess that last year was in terms of that situation, I am astounded that I let myself get caught up in it. So toxic, stressful, and painful. So not worth my time and emotions. Lesson learned. Never again.
I have subsequently had a tumultuous relationship with a best friend (guy friend) that has required and still does require vigilance on both our parts to not keep making the same mistakes. I won't go into detail as to why it's a mistake for us to be together, let your imagination run wild on that one. Either way, it's not a good idea.
I have had an online fling of sorts with someone I met during my CELTA program (the ESOL thing). I was really hoping that could have turned into something. Something casual, but still something more than what it was. Oh well. Not the first time I've been disappointed.
And I have gone back into an old chat room website that I haven't been on since my Undergraduate days. A craving for the French language prompted that move. I've met some interesting people, but am not going to make a habit out of it. Lot's of creepers on there who try to seduce a young twenty-something like myself into stripping down over webcam. And by seduce I mean outright just ask 'cam?' Non merci!
In terms of relationships, these days I'm finding I have absolute zero tolerance for bullshit and I'm getting better at smelling it first before stepping in it. I also know myself better and what my deal breakers are. It's a good feeling to be firmly grounded in myself. Even though I'm still in the process (as I always will be, one never totally arrives) of my life journey, I'm really in a place of trusting my intuition and staying true to myself no matter what. Character over personality. That's my new mantra.
I'm also learning that relationships don't have to be all or nothing. It is actually possible to date someone and it not turn into anything serious or end in a horrible break up. It's ok to be fluid and transient.
Job:
Still working retail. Not sure if that was mentioned in previous posts, but I work in a women's clothing store. It's not bad, but the pay sucks and I really need to find a 'grown-up' job soon so I can actually save money for my upcoming move back to Ireland. Sadly, there aren't a lot of TESOL jobs in my area and a move overseas before moving back to Ireland just isn't feasible. So the job search continues...
Happy Holidays to all and here's to a Peaceful, and Happier 2014!
Cheers,
Keely
Sunday, November 25, 2012
So many questions
Hello Folks,
I find myself in a rather melancholy mood again as I sit and write this. I know it's been ages since my last entry, and this blog has become more of an emotional dumping ground than a story of a girl living abroad in two different countries and then moving home, but I suppose emotions are as much apart of the above as oxygen is a part of breathing. Perhaps I could chalk this all up to re-adjusting to life back at home, but I'm not entirely convinced that that's all that's going on here. I think I'm at a point where I'm being forced to face things I was able to escape from by moving away. So essentially, I'm faced with the inevitable: figuring things out that I've been able to put off figuring out.
This is not a comfortable situation. I'm in all sorts of limbo and, as mentioined in my previous entry, patience and I are not friends. But is patience on my part really all that is required in my situation with M? I feel like I get a mixed message from him. On one hand, he says "ducks in a row, then Duckpants". But then he tells me he's not "considering this option at this time". Does that mean that "we"/"us" is not even a goal but simply an idea that has vaguely crossed his mind? How is it possible to say 'I love you' and even have an argument about whether or not I would take his name if/when we get married and then suddenly it's "I'm not considering this option at this time". And what about the flirting and the bit of M not being comfortable with me having one of my best guy friends come stay with me over Thanksgiving weekend? Have we devolved into some sort of twisted, sexually frustrated mess that we're not thinking or seeing clearly? Do WE not want to be with anyone but each other or is it just ME who doesn't want to be with anyone else? Are we letting the situation between M and my mother dictate how we function as a couple? Are we couple? How can we not be a couple when we bother discussing things pertaining to "us"? We're not 'just friends'. Is it right to not be back together right now even though we're back together in every sense but officially? Am I being played? Am I fooling myself? Is he fooling himself? Are WE fooling ourselves? Why is building castles in the sky together something bad to get caught up in if it will strengthen our bond? Is our limbo self-inflicted? He says he can't give me anything right now. Does he not realize that all I need from him is his love? It's not me who needs to stop having dreams about the future. Isn't it he who needs to give himself permission to dream, to love, and yes, to get caught up in something wonderful? I know what the reality is now, but is it really necessary to be smacked down with it? Would it not strengthen our bond to dream up a future together and create a goal to work toward?
I miss him. I miss him missing me. But most of all, I miss not having to miss each other.
~Keely
I find myself in a rather melancholy mood again as I sit and write this. I know it's been ages since my last entry, and this blog has become more of an emotional dumping ground than a story of a girl living abroad in two different countries and then moving home, but I suppose emotions are as much apart of the above as oxygen is a part of breathing. Perhaps I could chalk this all up to re-adjusting to life back at home, but I'm not entirely convinced that that's all that's going on here. I think I'm at a point where I'm being forced to face things I was able to escape from by moving away. So essentially, I'm faced with the inevitable: figuring things out that I've been able to put off figuring out.
This is not a comfortable situation. I'm in all sorts of limbo and, as mentioined in my previous entry, patience and I are not friends. But is patience on my part really all that is required in my situation with M? I feel like I get a mixed message from him. On one hand, he says "ducks in a row, then Duckpants". But then he tells me he's not "considering this option at this time". Does that mean that "we"/"us" is not even a goal but simply an idea that has vaguely crossed his mind? How is it possible to say 'I love you' and even have an argument about whether or not I would take his name if/when we get married and then suddenly it's "I'm not considering this option at this time". And what about the flirting and the bit of M not being comfortable with me having one of my best guy friends come stay with me over Thanksgiving weekend? Have we devolved into some sort of twisted, sexually frustrated mess that we're not thinking or seeing clearly? Do WE not want to be with anyone but each other or is it just ME who doesn't want to be with anyone else? Are we letting the situation between M and my mother dictate how we function as a couple? Are we couple? How can we not be a couple when we bother discussing things pertaining to "us"? We're not 'just friends'. Is it right to not be back together right now even though we're back together in every sense but officially? Am I being played? Am I fooling myself? Is he fooling himself? Are WE fooling ourselves? Why is building castles in the sky together something bad to get caught up in if it will strengthen our bond? Is our limbo self-inflicted? He says he can't give me anything right now. Does he not realize that all I need from him is his love? It's not me who needs to stop having dreams about the future. Isn't it he who needs to give himself permission to dream, to love, and yes, to get caught up in something wonderful? I know what the reality is now, but is it really necessary to be smacked down with it? Would it not strengthen our bond to dream up a future together and create a goal to work toward?
I miss him. I miss him missing me. But most of all, I miss not having to miss each other.
~Keely
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Not so happily ever after
Hello Folks,
I've been back in the US for a bit over two months now, am unemployed, and things with M aren't exactly honky dory. I'm optimistic that work will start in the next couple weeks. I'm in the process of becoming a substitute teacher.
I somehow managed to fall for the fantasy thing again. I keep hitting that wall and getting hurt. There is no such thing as happily ever after. At least not in terms of relationships. There is still the issue with M and my mother. It's looking like the impasse will remain until the end of time. Which means I have a lot to think about. I'm disillusioned with relationships. These days I rather enjoy my own company and freedom that the single life affords me. I even consider having a child on my own and raising it sans husband or life partner. That's not really what I want, but I would do it and still have a fulfilling life.
Things take longer in real life than they do in my head. Patience and I are not friends. Especially when I always have the option of backing out. But what would happen if I backed out? Wouldn't I just be pulled back, just like a yoyo? Most likely. Will I always be stuck between a rock and a hard place? Will I ever really have a soft place to fall outside of my friends and family? I guess I just have to wait.
~Keely
I've been back in the US for a bit over two months now, am unemployed, and things with M aren't exactly honky dory. I'm optimistic that work will start in the next couple weeks. I'm in the process of becoming a substitute teacher.
I somehow managed to fall for the fantasy thing again. I keep hitting that wall and getting hurt. There is no such thing as happily ever after. At least not in terms of relationships. There is still the issue with M and my mother. It's looking like the impasse will remain until the end of time. Which means I have a lot to think about. I'm disillusioned with relationships. These days I rather enjoy my own company and freedom that the single life affords me. I even consider having a child on my own and raising it sans husband or life partner. That's not really what I want, but I would do it and still have a fulfilling life.
Things take longer in real life than they do in my head. Patience and I are not friends. Especially when I always have the option of backing out. But what would happen if I backed out? Wouldn't I just be pulled back, just like a yoyo? Most likely. Will I always be stuck between a rock and a hard place? Will I ever really have a soft place to fall outside of my friends and family? I guess I just have to wait.
~Keely
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Going Home
Well folks, this is it. I'm going home today. Home for the foreseeable future after living abroad for the past two years. I can't believe this journey is coming to a close. I'll have the adventure of writing my MA thesis once I'm settled and over jetlag. But this has been an amazing time in my life. I've made lifelong friends, become fluent in my second language, taught, conquered an MA program, fulfilled my dream of living in Ireland, and most importantly, I've grown up in more ways than even I can fathom. Leaving Ireland is the most difficult departure I've had to date. Wow. At the same time, I am totally at peace with coming home. I made the right decision. And I'm so glad to be setting foot on American soil once again and reconnecting with my roots.
Another adventure I'll be starting soon is reconnecting with M in person. At the moment I'm in my numb travel mode, but once I'm home and it hits me that I'll be seeing him in 2 days...Agh!!! I dunno about that one. On one hand it's "going that route", on the other it's "there are no guarantees". Libras. He wasn't online last night. I hate not talking to him just before I get on a flight. Especially over the ocean. And I'm miffed because he said he would be there. Online I mean. Ah well. I'll beat him in a poke war the next time I see him ;-). The next while is going to be difficult for "us". We both still need to be looking out for numero uno and can't really put "us" first yet. It's going to be tough finding a balance. I'm trying not to have any expectations. So for now I'll just say that I'm looking forward to seeing him and being in his energy, and hopefully his arms, again.
America, here I come!
Cheers,
Keely
Another adventure I'll be starting soon is reconnecting with M in person. At the moment I'm in my numb travel mode, but once I'm home and it hits me that I'll be seeing him in 2 days...Agh!!! I dunno about that one. On one hand it's "going that route", on the other it's "there are no guarantees". Libras. He wasn't online last night. I hate not talking to him just before I get on a flight. Especially over the ocean. And I'm miffed because he said he would be there. Online I mean. Ah well. I'll beat him in a poke war the next time I see him ;-). The next while is going to be difficult for "us". We both still need to be looking out for numero uno and can't really put "us" first yet. It's going to be tough finding a balance. I'm trying not to have any expectations. So for now I'll just say that I'm looking forward to seeing him and being in his energy, and hopefully his arms, again.
America, here I come!
Cheers,
Keely
Thursday, August 2, 2012
My Happy Place
Greetings from Dingle, An Daingean, in Irish. I'm in my Happy Place. The place where I've wanted to live since I was a child. As the bus from Killarney made its way up the rolling hills and steep mountains of the Dingle Peninsula (Corca Dhuibhne), I felt that familiar sense of 'home'. I again had an overwhelming feeling of belonging and not wanting to leave. Sure, I spent nearly a year in Cork, but not here, in the place I've really wanted to be. Leaving almost feels premature. I've barely begun to discover this land. I again found my mind conjuring up images of me running off with Mystery Irishman, who I'd meet in a place I wasn't looking for him, somewhere I'd least expect it. A bus driver, boatman, a shopkeeper...I'd just be walking along or whatever, then all of a sudden, there he'd be, as if he's been waiting an eternity for me to show up...
But then, amongst the images of an Irishman and a life in the Gaeltacht with a couple kids, dogs, and horses (and some sheep!) running around, a very different image enters my mind. Almost as if Cupid shot a missile instead of an arrow, M permeated my daydream with a force that almost made my breath catch. As I gazed out over this rugged, yet verdant landscape, I was envisioning M here with me. I could hear him in my head complaining about the incomprehensible Irish language, with its overuse of silent and altered consonants, the absurdity of such a place (or any place for that matter) being called 'Dingle', and the fact that we were way out in the boonies. I rolled my eyes and shook my head, just as I would were he actually here. What was he doing in my head?! He's never been on my mind in Dingle before. When I was here back in March, I was questioning going home and "us". If anything, all thoughts of M and home had flown out the window. I was poised and ready to run off with the next pretty-faced Kerry farmer who came along and showed an interest. Perhaps there will always be a bit of that feeling inside me. It's times like these when I can't shake the idea of Reincarnation. As a witch, I believe in it. But I also believe that sometimes the Universe moves us in different and unexpected directions. Could these strong feelings for a place, and longing for a person who doesn't exist simply be past-life memories and not a sort of prophecy for who I'll be with in this life-time? This seems the most likely scenario. Or is it that I met M and fell for him first? Or is M that person I met while not looking for anyone, going about my business, and then there he was, in a place I least expected it, as if he's been waiting an eternity for me to show up...
M stayed with me throughout the day. I could so see us on the boat together waiting for Fungie, the dolphin, to make his appearance. "We're on a boat!", M would be saying in a loud whisper in my ear. Then there'd be references to other euphemisms. I'd be in a near constant state of rolling my eyes, while simultaneously scanning the water for any sign of dolphin movement. At Fungie's appearance, there would be a competition to see who got the better picture, and a race between my point-and-shoot camera and M's iPhone would ensue. SNAP OUT OF IT, KEELY! My brain cries, trying to bring me back to reality. But I can't help it as more and more images of M and me spending time here surface. I wander the town after the boat ride and peek into a jewelry shop. I'm now in search of a ring to replace the one he lost. A very different type of ring flashes through my mind for a split second. Funny, later that night, I was talking to M and "going that route" came into the conversation. We're still a ways off from that. But I can't shake the feeling that we're being nudged by the Universe...Feck sake!
To make matters even more interesting, back in September of 2010, my mother and I visited Drombeg stone circle. At one point I was along in the center of the standing stones and I, in true Wiccan fashion, invoked the Goddess and asked her to reveal to me 'the one' I'm meant to be with when I return to the stone circle. In July 2012 I went back there with friends of mine. Being there, I was expecting to be confronted with not wanting to leave Ireland and to be back in a tizzy about what to do with M. Instead, what I found there was an overwhelming sense of peace about returning home. Sending a silent question about M out to the Universe, I almost detected a wink in my general direction...
It's pouring down rain today, and foggy. I've yet to venture outside in this mess. Perhaps I will later once it calms down outside. I'm enjoying my happy place nonetheless, even if it seems I have a constant visitor in my head whilst I'm here.
Tog go bog e,
Keely
Saturday, July 21, 2012
3 Weeks
3 weeks to the day until I'm home. 3 weeks. 3 weeks and a day til I see M. 3 weeks and a day until I can hug M, kiss M, and be in his energy again, in person, after a year and a half. I'm nervous. Really really excited, but nervous. What if he changes his mind? What if I change my mind? What if we both change our minds? Or what if neither of us changes our minds and we go for it?! We're either really bad at staying together or really bad at being broken up. And soon we'll know which it is. I just hope timing isn't off again. Neither of us are established at the moment, but maybe that's a good thing? We're in a similar place anyway...and most importantly, we'll be in the same fecking country with no threat of me jetting off in the near future. Funny, this blog was meant to be about my adventures living abroad in two different countries, but instead it's become about my journey with a certain person and personal growth. A coming of age story without all the little details showing how I got from point A to point B. Maybe one day I'll fill you all in on the nitty gritty. In the meantime, I'll be working on the thesis and tying up all the loose ends in preparation to travel home.
Cheers,
Keely
Cheers,
Keely
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